Fathers

“Hold the knife like this.”

Blue let her father show her the proper way to hold her pocketknife so that she wouldn’t slip and cut her hand. She was trying to whittle, an activity that took up a lot of her father’s time when he was home. It made her feel closer to him when he was away. She wasn’t very good at it so far, and had cut herself once or twice, though hadn’t caused herself serious injury. Her carvings were seldom identifiable as anything more than the sticks they started out as. At her age, it wasn’t surprising, but she was an industrious child determined to follow in her father’s footsteps.

He was leaving again in the morning. Blue had no idea when she would see him next. It had to be like this, she knew. Her father had to make money to keep them safe in the colony. She was old enough to understand but that didn’t mean she had to like it. And it made moments like this precious.

“Where will you go this time, Dad?” she asked.

Her father sat back on his haunches, perched on the porch of their small cabin, whereas Blue was sat on the steps leading up to it.

“Perhaps to Straswick for some seaport trading,” he replied. “I could bring back some smoked fish for you and your brothers.”

“Ardan and Bigelow might not like it,” she said, thinking of her younger brothers. They were both quite small and food with strong flavor did not always agree with them. “Bring us some sweets, Dad?”

The older nelfkin smiled at her. “Well, I will see what I can do.”

Of course, he brought her neither smoked fish nor sweets. He never returned at all.

It was late and the rest of her party was sleeping, but the moon was bright and it kept Blue awake. The events of the day had been trying, to say the least. It was odd, she thought, that the death of a corrupt fairy like Asther Gwillemin should remind her of her own father’s untimely demise, but then again, perhaps not. She could still see Alaster’s pale face as he beheld his father’s lifeless body. Whatever else Asther was, he had raised Alaster. Blue could understand the pain the fairy must be feeling now.

Alaster wasn’t asleep either, though he was curled up next do his pack with his back turned on everyone. Blue could hear him quietly sniffling, but she didn’t embarrass the poor fella by asking how he was doing. Instead, she sat by the dying embers of the fire, poking it with a stick as she reminisced.

It wasn’t just Alaster that Blue felt bad for. Fae had made a tough decision, killing her father to save her brother’s life. Asther had it coming, but it was a shame that Fae was forced to take care of it herself. She was a fairy of morals, and Blue thought that it weighed on her heart. Still, it was the right choice to make, and she knew that Fae did not regret making it. Blue didn’t regret her making it either. It meant that Alaster was still alive, after all.

She heard when Alaster gave up pretending to be asleep and rose from the ground, but she kept quiet until he shuffled over to the fire and sat down beside her. It was hard to see his face in the dark, but his eyes looked quite puffy. She did not comment on this.

“Doing alright?” she asked him. He obviously wanted to talk, or he wouldn’t have come over.

Alaster shrugged in response. “Yes, I’m fine, of course.”

“Well, it’s okay if you’re not fine.” Under normal circumstances, she couldn’t stand the sharp tone of his voice or the way he acted like she was an idiot for even asking about his wellbeing. She just felt sorry for him right now. Alaster was a grade A asshole, but he’d had a hard day and Blue was sympathetic.

Instead of answering, Alaster took out his flask and took a long swig from its contents.

He then coughed and sputtered as the strong liquid burned his throat, but he controlled his reaction and took another swig.

After a period of silence, Alaster spoke up. “He was a right bastard, you know? I’m glad he’s dead.”

That was probably true, Blue mused, but it was remarkable how family could make you feel the most contradictory things. For instance, she hated her own father for dying on her, but she still loved him. Maybe Alaster loved his father too.

“I didn’t love him,” Alaster denied, causing Blue to look at him in surprise. He looked sheepish at having read her mind. “Still can’t really control it. It comes and goes. I’m… sorry.”

Blue just gave him a half-hearted smile. It was weird to hear Alaster say he was sorry. He must have been quite shaken up.

“It ain’t that strange if you did love him,” she said. “I know you think love’s a weakness. Can’t say as I completely disagree with you about that, but we still love folks. Especially our family. They might be fuckups but we love them.”

“He never loved anyone,” Alaster objected, putting on his trademark scowl. “Not me, not my mother, and we all know what he did to my sister. He deserved to get run through and I’m glad he’s dead, so just shut up about it, won’t you?”

Amused, Blue did as requested and stayed quiet while Alaster stared moodily into the remains of the fire. He was good at brooding, she thought. Ah, and the moon gave off just enough light that she was see the strong line of his jaw, the upturn of his nose, his dark hair. She’d thought it before, but now she knew it was true. Alaster was lovely.

A startled sound came from Alaster and he looked at her, eyes wide. “Uh, nelfkin, did you just…”

“You need to work on controlling that ability of yours, Al.” She cocked an eyebrow at him. It couldn’t be helped if he heard private thoughts. She wasn’t going to police what she thought about around him, even if it did make him uncomfortable. “People don’t care much for having their minds read.”

“Why ‘lovely?’” he demanded, furrowing his brown. “Being as I’m male and all, I should think I’m ‘handsome’ or even ‘dashing.’ Lovely makes me sound like a bloody girl.”

“I cain’t bloody well control everything I think,” she groused back at him. “And anyway, I think I’m the handsome one. You’re lovely. Deal with it.”

The fairy’s hackles were up now, and he was full on pouting at her. “Take that back.”

“I will not.” Blue had to admit that part of her enjoyed teasing him like this. He was so easy to rile up and when he got all in a huff, he was adorable. Sometimes she instigated this sort of thing with him on purpose, just to see the way his nose would scrunch up in frustration.

It was scrunched like that now, and Blue thought now might be a fine time to lean in and kiss him.

The kiss was brief but it caught Alaster off guard. He didn’t have a chance to respond before she pulled back to gauge his reaction.

He stared at her for a long moment.

Then he said, “Damn it, you’re not supposed to kiss me first. That’s not how this works. If anyone asks, I kissed you first, d’you hear me?”

“Why would anyone ask anything about it?” Blue asked, amused.

“Well… I might want to do that again. They might see.”

The knowledge that Alaster wanted to kiss her at all, let alone in the daylight when their companions might see them, gave Blue pause. She hadn’t thought he’d return her feelings, and now she wasn’t sure what to do. Was she really going to agree to kiss him again? And if she did, what did that mean? They’d be foolish to invest themselves in a relationship on this insane quest. They were all probably going to die, anyway.

Well, that did it. If they were going to die anyway, then it didn’t matter if it was a good idea to kiss Alaster Gwillemin. So she leaned in once more and kissed him again, but this time she did it proper and only drew back again when they both needed air.

Alaster looked disheveled by the kiss, and his eyes were still wide, as though he couldn’t quite believe what he was going along with.

“How was that?” she asked with a smirk.

“Bloody brilliant,” he replied, staring at his knees. “Again, if anyone asks, I snogged you, not the other way around.”

He shifted so that he was sitting closer to her, their shoulders just barely touching. Blue reached up and ruffled the fairy’s hair, then pulled him down to rest his head on her shoulder.

“It’s okay if you didn’t want your father to die,” she said, winding her arm around his waist. He settled against her, tense at first but gradually relaxing. “I know he was a horrible man. But sometimes we can’t control the way we feel.”

“Tell me about it,” he snorted. “I shouldn’t care that he’s dead, nelfkin. I don’t have a single good memory of him.”

“You ain’t got no cause to beat yourself up over loving your father.” Blue sighed, marveling at how stubborn Alaster could be. Why did she now find that endearing instead of endlessly frustrating? He’d grown on her, though she’d hated him the moment she laid eyes on him. And now… She didn’t hate him. She couldn’t hate him if she tried.

“He was your dad, love. It’s alright.”

Without speaking, he pressed his face against her shoulder and she knew that enough had been said about it. The pain was too fresh, and she’d said what she needed to say at any rate. She wasn’t sure if she’d convinced him that his feelings were valid, but she’d at least given him something to think about. Maybe it would alleviate some of that crippling self-doubt he had.

For a long while, they sat in silence. Blue only knew when Alaster fell asleep because he began to snore quietly into the cloth of her blue overcoat. Blue still wasn’t tired, and she couldn’t bring herself to move, lest she wake him up. Poor fella was likely exhausted and could use the rest.

Well, if anyone woke up and saw them like this, she’d be sure and tell them that Alaster had kissed her first.