Moon and Sky: Playlist for Blue and Alaster

Moon and Sky: A Playlist for Blue and Alaster

Moon and Sky - Playlist

So this playlist is a pairing playlist, the songs will all be about the relationship between Blue and Al, because I'm a giant nerd. For fun, I'm adding quotes from different TROUF stories that I feel are relevant to each of the songs in the playlist. Enjoy!

1: Birds of a Feather – The Civil Wars

(Alaster & Blue)

“Where she walks, no flowers bloom.

He's the one I see right through.

She's the absinthe on my lips.

The splinter in my fingertips.”

The kiss was brief but it caught Alaster off guard. He didn’t have a chance to respond before she pulled back to gauge his reaction.

He stared at her for a long moment.

Then he said, “Damn it, you’re not supposed to kiss me first. That’s not how this works. If anyone asks, I kissed you first, d’you hear me?”

“Why would anyone ask anything about it?” Blue asked, amused.

“Well… I might want to do that again. They might see.”

2: Scarlet Town – Gillian Welch

(Blue)

“Buddy, I went down to Scarlet Town,

Ain't never been there before.

Well, you slept on a feather bed,

I slept on the floor.

Now, I don't mind a lean old time

or drinking my coffee cold.

But the things I saw in Scarlet Town

did mortify my soul.”

She looked to the source of the noise and her eyes focused on a book just to her right. The runes embossed on the spine, she realized, were the same as the runes Zi had shown to her. It was the book she'd been sent after, sitting right in front of her as though it had merely been waiting for her, and she reached out and pulled it free without thinking.

Through the empty space in the shelf, she caught sight of another person, peering at her from the other side.

At first, she nearly laughed with relief, thinking the person looking back at her was Fae. But a second look revealed the truth. The other person's features were decidedly more masculine than Fae's, though still refined and possessed of an almost ethereal beauty. Their eyes were shockingly blue instead of black and the person's hair was cut short.

“Oh shit,” she breathed when she realized she was looking into the face of a fairy man.

The fairy looked back at her with bewilderment. Apparently, he hadn't been expecting to find someone in the bookshelves, though from the way she'd heard him going on, he had seemed to be looking for another person.

“Who the bloody hell are you?” he demanded, his voice loud now and filling up the room. Blue cringed back from the sound, clinging to the spellbook. She'd done it now. She'd located Zi's damned book, only to be caught by a fairy of Vana Vale.

3: Save Me – Jem

(Alaster)

“None of these thoughts are real,

so why is it that I feel

so cut up and so bad?

I need to take control

cause my mind is on a roll

and it isn't listening to me.”

“Ana,” he breathed, finally tearing his gaze away from the child – woman? - on other side of the shelf. His sister looked back at him with unwavering determination. “You're not supposed to be here.”

“Don't worry, we are leaving, as soon as you give me that crystal.” She kept her sword at his neck. “I am truly sorry about this, Alaster, but I'm afraid I can't leave without it.”

Alaster's gaze flitted back to the other woman, and the necklace that hung around her throat. The blue crystal there was glowing, like the one that he held, and something told him that the two items were related.

The woman drew down her hood, and Alaster grimaced when he realized that she was a nelfkin. A nelf in the library of Vana Vale was an abomination. Her grubby little hands were holding fast to a book, he realized. He narrowed his eyes at her.

“I see you've taken up with a thief, sister,” he said with a sneer. “I suppose our father was right about you after all.”

“Your father,” said his sister. “He's not my father anymore.”

The nelfkin spoke up, a look of disbelief on her face. “This guy's your brother, Fae?”

4: Come Here Boy – Imogen Heap

(Blue)

“I know that my face

is only too familiar to your sleep.

I can see it in your eyes

and I can tell by your body heat.

Why are you taking so long?

You need to come and find me.

To set your mind at rest

and let your dreams run free.”

“I'm yours?” Alaster echoed with a smirk. He seemed to come back to himself, casting off the shadow that so often settled on him when they discussed their mutual enemy. “You sure you actually want that?”

Blue hummed, pretending to mull the matter over. “You are quite obnoxious, now that I think about it. And you can't fight, or heal, or even cook, so you're really pretty useless. Worse than that, I'm all the time having to save you from something. You're a liability even. In fact, it seems I've planned this poorly. Would you consider giving my heart back to me, by any chance?”

The blush that traveled to the tips of his ears always thrilled her. What she'd just said was tantamount to saying she was in love with him, which neither of them had confirmed out loud just yet. She figured it would take Alaster a while to be able to make those words pass his lips. That was alright. She was patient and she could wait.“As I suspected,” she murmured. “No refunds.”“Sorry,” he breathed, and he'd said that word an awful lot lately. She wanted to tell him not to, that he had nothing to be sorry for, but it wasn't her place to make that decision for him. She could tell him not to be sorry until the cows came home, but he had to come to the understanding himself that he was not at fault for anything.

Instead, she pressed her mouth against his shoulder, kissing the soft flesh there.

5: Wonderwall – Ryan Adams

(Alaster)

“And all the roads we have to walk are winding.

And all the lights that lead the way are blinding.

There are many things that I would like

to say to you, but I don't know how.

I said, maybe, you're gonna be the one that saves me.

And after all, you're my wonderwall.”

“It's alright,” Fae assured her brother, walking beside them, one hand on Clarabelle's flank. “Blue said we were less than a day out from a village, and they will surely have someone there who can help. I know you're worried but we're not going to let her die.”

It wasn't that Alaster doubted her sincerity, it was just that the nature of the wound troubled him. What if an ordinary healer couldn't treat it? He tightened his grip on the nelfkin, feeling more helpless than usual. Why couldn't one of these magic crystals just heal Blue's injuries? Better yet, why had they never bothered to recruit a healer to travel with them?

“Why the hell did she throw herself in front of that thing?” he complained, though he knew she'd done it to save him. “If one of us had to be mortally wounded, it should have been me.”

“We can't afford for either of you to die,” Fae reminded him. “We all have to be alive in order to seal away the dark force. There's no point in thinking it would be better if you were in her place. Chances are you'd be dead already, anyway. I saw her push you out of the way, that beast would have torn your throat out.”

Alaster grimaced and had to admit that it wasn't exactly the way that he wanted to die. Preferably, he'd like to live a long, comfortable life and die peacefully in his sleep as an old man. But he wasn't sure that life would still be worth living without the nelfkin around.

“I know how much you care for her,” his sister murmured. “I will not let her die, Alaster, I promise.”

“Don't talk about such things,” Alaster snapped, because like hell was he okay with his sister getting so sappy about this, like he was in love with the nelfkin or something. He wasn't in love with Blue, he just liked having her around, though he wasn't going to admit even that much.

6: My Moon – Mary Lambert

(Blue)

“They don't know why I love you like I do.

And gravity don't have a thing to do with you or me.

My moon, you're my moon, you're my moon.”

Awareness came back to Blue slowly, brought on by the pale light of early morning filtering in through a curtained window. As her vision cleared, Blue stared up at the window, her fuzzy brain trying to comprehend where she might be.

She felt sluggish and sore, but she forced her body to move, pushing herself upright with her left arm and marveling at her inability to feel her right arm at all. She looked down to make sure the arm was still there and noted the bandages secured around it. The memory of the wound she’d sustained came back to her and she realized that someone must have healed her.

Glancing around, she took stock of the small cabin she appeared to be in. Her companions were spread out across its floor, curled in sleeping bags or propped up against the wall, all sound asleep.

Out of the corner of her eye, she saw the body next to her begin to stir. It was Alaster, of course, and she smiled to herself, wondering if he’d stayed by her side the whole time. She reached out with her good arm and stroked the fairy’s unruly hair, relishing the feel of it beneath her fingers.

Alaster grumbled and batted her hand away, his eyes snapping open. He froze when he saw her looking down at him, his mouth falling open in surprise.

“You’re awake,” he muttered, sitting up and rubbing the sleep from his eyes, as though to make certain he wasn’t dreaming. “Fuck, nelfkin, do you have any idea how close you came to dying?”

“I told you I wouldn’t die,” she reminded him with a soft chuckle.

7: Horse to Water – Tall Heights

(Alaster)

“Before I knew you,

I lived in the rear view.

To wish back an image of myself

I thought was true.

So now when colors fade

on that day of days

I needed you to say it

wasn't one to rue.

Oh, and lead me back

from the darkness

like you do.”

“Shut up and sleep, woman. If you pass out tomorrow, I'm sure as hell not carrying you.”

Blue burst out laughing at the thought of Alaster carrying her. Alaster gave her a dirty look and it only made her laugh harder. She reached out and patted his knee comfortingly.

“Sorry, Al, it's just, well, you're not the strongest fella here, are you?” she said as her laughter faded to chuckles. “Okay, I'll sleep so you don't have to carry me.”

“I said I wasn't going to carry you,” Alaster grumbled.

“Yeah, you always say one thing when you mean the exact opposite. I've got you figured out now.” Blue grinned at the fairy, then settled down on the ground to use her pack as a headrest. “You get some sleep too, Al. If anything's going to happen, you might as well face it. Don't let the fucker have the satisfaction of making you afraid.”

Her eyelids were already drooping. She was so tired. Maybe she'd wake up on the morrow refreshed, and able to actually use the Codex Crystal for a change.

“Sure, nelfkin,” Alaster replied. He reclined against a tree, looking like he had no intention of closing his eyes unless he absolutely had to. “Shut up and go to sleep already.”

8: Especially Me – Low

(Blue)

“Cause if we knew where we belong

There'd be no doubt where we're from.

But as it stands, we don't have a clue.

Especially me, and probably you.”

“I'm a coward,” he said through gritted teeth. “And don't say I'm not, I know what I am. I'm fucking terrified. I'm afraid to go to sleep because he might be there again. I'm weak.”

She wanted to tell him that it was okay to be weak, to be soft, but she wasn't sure if she had any business making that decision for him either.“What if he comes back?” Alaster's voice cracked, just a little. “You fight,” Blue replied.

They both knew he wasn't a fighter. And they both knew that he was the only one who could fight Detraf like this. Sooner or later, Alaster would have to learn to master his gift, as would all of them who carried the crystals. It was inevitable, but Alaster was putting it off, still not ready to cope with it.“What if I can't fight him?” the fairy asked, staring up at the dingy ceiling of the room. “He's stronger than me. If he manages to, I don't know, to brainwash me or something, I... Nelfkin, if it comes to that, you've got to kill me. I can't be his pawn. I'd rather die, I swear to you.”

Her gut twisted at the thought of harming him. It would be impossible for her to ever honor that request, supposing Detraf really did manage to somehow take control of Alaster's mind. He had to know that by now.

9: House of Mercy – Sarah Jarosz

(Alaster)

“In the middle of the night again,

still water and the birds won't sing.

Cold gin in the backroom humming,

medicating for the trouble that's coming.

Walls rattle like a diesel freighter.

Blood races like a wave.

This house wasn't meant for strangers.

You come knocking anyway.”

Just as suddenly, the dream changed and the woman was gone. Alaster was plunged into a suffocating darkness and he found himself struggling to breathe. The darkness had an oppressive weight to it and he fought it, trying to move but finding his limbs too heavy to move. His heart pounded in his chest as though it wanted to burst free and flee on its own. He tried, but mostly failed, to calm himself down.

There was another voice now, one that Alaster knew too well. He shrank away from the sound of it as best he could but it echoed all around him.

“The little psychic,” murmured Detraf in his oily tone, and his image appeared in front of Alaster, observing him with an amused expression. “In my own city, no less. No, don't bother to deny it, you could not be anywhere else or I would not have found your sleeping mind with such ease. You are like a beacon, Mr. Gwillemin, calling me to your location. Did you want me to find you, pet?”

“Like hell!” Alaster snarled in return. Fear, though he hated to admit it, had become a normal feeling to him since his sister and the nelf kidnapped him from Vana Vale. However, there was nothing else he feared like he feared this man. Detraf was too powerful and Alaster had always known instinctively that he was no match for the man. That they seemed to share the same ability only made this worse.

The image of Detraf circled around him. Alaster tried not to panic and kept himself still, knowing that he couldn't fight the darkness that had left him immobile.

10: Your Water – Parker Milsap & Sarah Jarosz

(Alaster & Blue)

“I was fumbling and frustrated.

I was sluggish and sedated.

I was worthless, I was wasted.

I was blind up until I tasted

your water.

It floods my memory

and it quenches my soul.”

“My people have the right of it,” Alaster sneered. “Love is a fantasy. All that matters is position. My fiance, for instance, is from an influential family and our marriage would have been advantageous for both of us.”

“Rather dull way to look at it,” said Blue with a frown. “Anyway, the two of them would be a lot happier if they'd sort this out.”

“The two of who?” Alaster asked as he took a drink from the whiskey flask. He handed it back to the nelfkin.

“Kniles and Zi,” said Blue, yanking the flask from his hand. “Ain't you been listening?”

“Not really,” the fairy replied with very little shame. “Are we still on the Kniles and Zi thing? It's a bit creepy, isn't it? She's, like, twelve years old and he's a grown man.”

“She's seventeen and he's three years older than her,” Blue corrected him.

“Dear gods,” said Alaster. “They're hardly more than babies. Give me the whiskey back.”

“You're an asshole,” said Blue but she handed it back to him anyway.

11: I Belong to You – Brandi Carlile

(Blue)

“Last night I had the exact same dream as you.

I killed a bird to save your life

and you gave me your shoes.

You said clip my wings and walk my miles

and I said I would too.

And I woke up but I wasn't gonna tell you.”

“Get your mind out of the gutter,” Blue scolded, rolling her eyes.

“A man has needs, you know,” said Alaster, earning himself an exasperated look from Blue. “Well, he has!”

“I think you'll be alright. It's more important to learn what we can from this place.” Blue reached out and took a book from the shelf, cracking it open. She grinned when she saw that it behaved like a real book. It was a volume on early Elf music. “She must have read a lot of books.”

“Surely not all of them,” Alaster remarked.

“Of course not, this is just what she remembers the library looking like,” Blue replied. She replaced the book on the shelf and pulled down another. A smile tugged at her mouth as she remembered the last time she'd been in a library like this. She stole a glance over her shoulder at Alaster's blue eyes. There was no denying that he was a very pretty man, and those eyes had captivated her from the moment she first saw them.

It was peaceful here in the library. Lately, her conscious moments had been full of turmoil. It made her feel worse for Alaster, knowing he'd lived with it longer than she had. The crystals took a toll, but they could be mastered. She would master Codex soon. Leffi's memories told her that it was only a matter of practice, but Leffi had never known exactly how Cerebrum worked, as Trynace had never explained it to her in detail.

Alaster seemed at ease here, however. His posture was relaxed for a change. It seemed like he was always uptight and anxious, but here he held himself with an easy grace, as though he was completely at home. It kind of made her happy that he felt at home in her mind.

12: Yours To Bear – honeyhoney

(Alaster)

“I don't wanna fight with you, baby,

but it's just that you've been in my way lately.

And I'm feeling bad about feeling crazy.

Oh, I don't wanna fight with you now.

No, I don't wanna let you down,

drop your body to the ground,

leave you off at the lost and found.

Watch another love come around.

I don't wanna let you down.”

“Blue is going to be okay,” Fae said. “She's tough. Have some faith in her.”

Alaster nodded absently, though he was far from reassured. The nelfkin looked even more like a child than usual when she was unconscious, but at least she didn't look like she was in pain, despite how pale she was. She wouldn't like knowing that, he thought. She so proud, even more than he was in many ways. Well, if he was being honest, she had more right to be proud than he did.

Over the course of this quest, Alaster had grudgingly made friends with all of his companions, with the possible exception of Gwuryn. Then again, Gwuryn had brought him the water to wash his hands. The knight was at least an ally.

But Blue was different. She had been from the start.

At first, he'd hated her so much for kidnapping him and forcing him to leave his home. And yet, she had been kind to him. Even when she lost her temper with him, she still went out of her way to make sure he was alright. She'd probably pitied him at first, or maybe she still did, Alaster wasn't sure. Whatever the reason, she'd become his confidant, and a source for good advice, and she always had a bottle of liquor on hand when Alaster's flask ran dry. It hadn't occurred to him before how much he'd come to rely on her presence.

13: You Can Close Your Eyes – Curtis Kamiya

(Blue)

“So close your eyes, you can close your eyes,

it's alright.

I don't know no love songs, and I can't sing

the blues anymore.

But I can sing this song and you can sing this song

when I'm gone.”

“Oh.” Alaster picked at an invisible thread on the sleeve of his tunic. Looking at him a little closer, Blue noticed the dark circles beneath his eyes that were even more prominent than usual. He looked as tired as she felt.

“You idiot, you're not sleeping, are you?”

He blinked at her in surprise. “What? Of course I'm sleeping. ...Sometimes.”

“Sometimes? Like when? Like when you pass out from sheer exhaustion because a mortal body can only go without sleep for so long?” Blue jabbed him in the shoulder disapprovingly, and then drank the last of the water in the canteen before handing it back to him. “Cain't say I blame you. Who knows if that bastard could catch you like that again? If it was me, I doubt I'd be able to sleep at all.”

Her companion's complexion was quite pale now, more so than usual. Alaster swallowed and looked away from her.

“Then you understand,” he said.

“Understanding it don't mean I approve.” Blue jabbed his shoulder again. “You have to sleep. Don't be stupid.”

14: When The Stars Go Blue – Ryan Adams

(Alaster)

“Where do you go when you're lonely?

Where do you go when you're blue?

Where do you go when you're lonely?

I'll follow you

when the stars go blue.”

She leaned over and closed the distance between them with a kiss. Alaster returned it with fervor, his free hand reaching up to cup Blue’s cheek. She could feel how tense he was. Poor thing, she thought, imagining how stressed he must have been.

Breaking the kiss and pressing their foreheads together, Alaster muttered, “You have no idea.”

“I’m proud of you for being so brave,” she told him with a grin. She squeezed his hand to reassure him. “I said I wasn’t gonna leave you, Al. Not yesterday, not today and not tomorrow. I promise you that we’re gonna survive this quest.”

Alaster’s gaze fell to their joined hands. “You shouldn’t make promises you can’t keep, nelfkin.”

“When I make a promise, I always keep it,” she replied stubbornly. “Face it, buddy, you’re never getting rid of me.”

He sighed shifted closer to her. Blue rested her head on his shoulder, and Alaster let his cheek fall against the top of her head. This moment of peace wouldn’t last long, she knew. When their friends started to wake, Alaster would put distance between them again. She understood this. It was hard for him to be open about how he felt.

“Hey Al,” she murmured. She felt like testing something. “Love ya.”

Alaster tensed for just a moment before relaxing against her. He let his thumb stroke Blue’s hand in an unusually affectionate gesture. “... Yeah. Me too.”

Modern TROUF: Fatherhood, Chapter Six

Fatherhood, Chapter Six

It took Alaster a couple of days to decide to give the book a try. Part of him wanted to ignore it just because Roger was the person who had given it to him. He was terribly embarrassed by the spell he'd had in Walmart, and mortified that Roger had seen it and bought him a book on pregnancy as a result. It was a sort of “father's guide to pregnancy,” with a picture on the cover of a man and woman grinning maniacally down at what Alaster supposed was the woman's enlarged middle, though it was not in the frame.

Perhaps he never would have read it, but the truth was that it was boring in the apartment and he needed something different to do. Also, he did have questions and he wasn't very good at Google, so the book did seem like a good place to go for answers. He skimmed the Table of Contents first, balking at the chapter about finances and the final chapter, which was about preparing for the “next pregnancy.” Alaster was quite certain that he did not want there to be a next pregnancy. This first one was quite enough.

He decided to start from the beginning, feeling a little overwhelmed by the scope of the book. He didn't read very often. Were you supposed to read the odd little prefaces at the beginning or was it customary to skip over them? He read them, just in case they were important. They made up about about two pages of text, and mainly reassured him of the validity of his feelings and told him what an important part of the pregnancy he was. He felt like this probably wasn't true, Blue was a lot tougher than he was and could handle herself. Mostly, Alaster caused her more bother.

Then he took a break to perk more coffee. There was a plate of brownies on the counter, which Blue had made. Alaster wanted to eat one but he'd noticed he was putting on a bit of weight. He left the brownies undisturbed and took his fresh mug of coffee with him back to the couch and the book.

This was how his sister found him several hours later when she came by to check on him. He was pouring over the book when she came in, his brow creased, and he barely looked up to acknowledge her presence.

“Ana,” he greeted, using his old nickname for her. He'd never been able to quite shake the habit. Plus, he was the only person she allowed to use any form of her old name and this secretly pleased him. Despite everything they'd gone through, they were close. He knew that she always had his back, would do her best to help him even if he didn't deserve it.

“Good afternoon, Alaster,” Fae piped cheerfully as she put a bag on the kitchen table. “I brought you some lunch. Oh, are those brownies?”

Reluctantly, Alaster rose from the couch, his book in hand, and made his way over to the table to inspect what Fae had brought for lunch. He peeked into the reusable shopping back and his nose wrinkled when he discovered that the contents came from the local health food store.

“Please tell me it isn't tofu.”

“Relax, I got you chicken salad,” said Fae, tutting in disapproval at his complaint. “You were just saying the other day that you don't want to eat fast food anymore because you're trying to watch your figure.”

Alaster's cheeks turned red. “I did not bloody well say I was trying to watch my figure. I said I was watching my weight.”

His sister looked over at him as though she could not fathom what the difference might be. Then she seemed to decide it didn't matter and busied herself with looking in the refrigerator for something to drink. At least she hadn't brought any sort of gross herbal tea with her, Alaster thought to himself, as he fished this chicken salad sandwich out of the bag.

Upon closer inspection, he had to admit that it did look like good chicken salad. He put the book down on the table and pulled out a chair.

“What are you reading?” Fae asked, handing him a glass of the lemonade she'd found in the fridge. She tilted her head to the side as she read the title. A smile spread across her face. “Where did you get this?”

“Roger got it for me,” Alaster muttered, rubbing the back of his neck and feeling a bit embarrassed that she'd seen it. “I was just... skimming.”

“I think it's wonderful that you're reading it.” She pressed his arm, smile still in place. “Blue will be thrilled when she finds out.”

If Alaster was being honest, he was kind of hoping that reading the book would help improve his girlfriend's current opinion of him. She hadn't flat out told him that she was disappointed in him, but he could tell that she was. Hell, he didn't blame her. If he was being honest, he was disappointed in himself. Blue was always telling him that the got in his own way, that he'd get more done if he'd just put his mind to it, and he'd never taken her seriously. He'd always just assumed that he was a fuck up and nothing he did could change that.

Maybe that was true and he was hopeless, but he was at the end of his rope here and he had to try something. He couldn't run the risk of Blue realizing that he couldn't get his shit together and leaving him, especially not now that they had a kid – or were about to have a kid – that she'd take with her when she left.

“How is Blue doing?” Fae asked. “Has she been eating well? Is she cutting back on the coffee?”

Alaster glanced at her, arching an eyebrow. “How the bloody hell should I know? She does what she wants. I doubt she's cut back on coffee, though, she can't function without it.”

His sister tutted in disapproval. “You need to talk to her about that! It's not good for the baby. You have to help her take care of herself. What if something happens?”

“What? What could happen?” Alaster sat up a little straighter.

“Well, you know, you just have to be careful. Babies can get sick before they're born. Like, for instance, expecting mothers should never eat raw eggs.”

“Isn't that a thing for everyone? You get food poisoning or something.”

“Salmonella,” corrected Fae. “So, the baby might get salmonella if the mother eats raw egg products while she's pregnant.”

It had never occurred to Alaster that unborn children could get sick just like everyone else. The thought was, frankly, horrifying and his anxiety was soon having a field day with it.

“What if...” He paused, cracked his knuckles, and tried to not feel like an idiot for asking what he was about to ask. “What if something happens to the baby and it, say, uh, dies, what could happen to Blue?”

Fae seemed to realize that she'd introduced a topic that was likely to cause him a great deal of stress, because she walked over and lightly squeezed his shoulders and pressed a kiss to the top of his head.

“Don't worry about it too much, Blue is very healthy and I doubt anything will go wrong,” she tried to reassure him.

“No, see, I need to know if she's going to be alright.” Now that he was thinking about it, Alaster couldn't just stop worrying about it. His anxiety didn't allow for that. “Maybe keeping it was a bad idea, if she could get sick or hurt, it's not worth it.”

“Sweetie, there's always a risk but Blue knows that.” Fae patted his head and sat down at the table. She peered at him, her dark eyes full of concern. “There's no need for you to panic about it. I'm sorry I brought it up, honestly, and your book there is probably going to give you better information than I can. When is Blue's next doctor's appointment? You should go with her, it will help.”

“I don't know.” Alaster stared at her, feeling like an idiot after all, because he didn't have a clue what Fae was talking about but he guessed it did make sense that Blue needed to see a doctor about the pregnancy. They just hadn't talked about it and so Alaster hadn't thought about it.

He was so woefully unprepared for this. Blue probably hadn't bothered to tell him when she was going to the doctor. Maybe she'd gone already and hadn't thought he'd care to know, much less that he'd want to go with her. That was his fault. He'd spent a lot of time over the years convincing other people that he wasn't sentimental or that he didn't care about things, and Blue was less inclined to believe his posturing than most but even she didn't often push him to do things that might make him uncomfortable.

She still treated him like he was damaged, after all these years, and maybe it was true. Maybe he could blame some of his problems on Mummy and Daddy not loving him enough, but mostly, he made problems for himself. He was old enough now to look back on things he'd done in his life and see what a giant asshole he'd been. That didn't mean he was any better at communicating his newfound wisdom to others. He remained rather emotionally inarticulate and he knew it.

“Relax,” instructed Fae. “Don't stress about this. Focus on your breathing, just let it all go. You are going to be fine.”

Alaster hated it when people told him to focus on his breathing, even though he knew that it was a good way of coping when he started to panic. He just hated that his panic was so visible that other people felt like they had to help him avoid a meltdown. And it was always rich, coming from people who didn't deal with it every day. Fae had her own set of struggles but she was not an anxious, neurotic mess like he was.

“I'm already fucking up,” he lamented. “I don't know when her doctor's appointment is. Or, maybe she's had one already and I missed it. In which case, I don't know when the next doctor's appointment is. I'm supposed to know this, aren't I? I'm supposed to be supporting her.”

That was the real problem anyway. He was supposed to be supporting Blue, she was the one who was pregnant, but he didn't even know how to do that because throughout their relationship, she'd always been the one supporting him. She'd been the buffer between him and the rest of the world. Hell, she was probably the only reason he was still alive, and he knew it.

His sister reached out and put her hand on his back, rubbing soothing circles across his shoulder blades. He didn't deserve Fae's affection, never had deserved it, but she always gave it to him anyway.

“I know you've probably got ideas in your head about what's expected of you as a man in this situation,” she said. “But you and Blue will figure things out between the two of you, and you will learn to help her where she needs you. You don't have to be the perfect boyfriend. Blue loves you for who you are, warts and all.”

“Maybe she shouldn't,” Alaster muttered. “I've caused her nothing but trouble for years.”

“She loves you. Trust me, she's happy with you.” Fae gave him a sad smile. “Maybe she worries that you don't take proper care of yourself but she doesn't want to change you. To her, you are the most important person in her life and she wouldn't have it any other way, I promise you.”

The book on fatherhood sat innocently on the table near Alaster's hand and he focused on it, trying to relax as Fae had told him to do. He knew, of course, that Blue loved him. He'd long ago come to the conclusion that was the only reason she could have for staying with him so long. But that didn't mean that she wouldn't be better off without him to worry about all of the time.

Besides, Fae only knew this about Blue because the two of them talked about him all the time and he hated that worse than he hated being told to focus on his breathing. They treated him like he was all of five years old and he knew that neither of them actually believed that he was ready to be a parent. If nothing else, they could at least be honest with him.

“I am a worthless piece of shit and if she was smart she'd have figured that out by now,” he sneered, not because he thought Blue wasn't smart, but because he was in a habit of saying rude, horrible things about other people when he felt insecure. Or bored. Or any time, really.

To say that Fae was unimpressed with this would have been an understatement. She drew back her hand and looked at him the way she always looked at him when he'd done something to disappoint her, which was frequent enough but nowhere near as common as it had been five years ago.

“So what are you going to do to make things better?” she challenged him. “You said it yourself that you feel like you're the problem. There was a time when I would have just agreed with you and never fussed at you for it. I would have just assumed you couldn't do better, but you and I both know that's not true. You can fix things if you try.”

Hunching his shoulders, he looked away from her, ashamed of himself. “And how do I do that, exactly?”

Fae tapped the cover of the book on fatherhood. “Well, I think you can start by reading this book.”

–

The next morning, when Blue woke up to the beeping of her alarm, she found herself alone in bed. This was a highly unusual occurrence, as Alaster was not generally an early riser, and when it did happen, it usually meant that he hadn't come to bed at all and had fallen asleep on the couch. She was certain, however, that he'd gone to bed with her the night before. She sat up, rubbing sleep out of her eyes, and turned off the alarm. Then she rose and shuffled out of the bedroom, still dressed in the sweatpants and tank-top that she usually slept in.

Light assaulted her eyes when she left the bedroom. Alaster had the lights on in the entirety of the rest of the house and she found him at the kitchen table, which was covered with the edible contents of their kitchen cabinets. He was reading the back of a box of crackers with intent.

“Al, honey,” she grumbled as she walked over to him. “What in the ever loving world are you doing?”

Alaster glanced up at her for just a moment before returning his attention to the box of crackers. “I'm checking all of our food for caffeine content.”

“What?” Blue frowned, confused. “Are we outta coffee?”

“It's not for me,” her boyfriend snapped. “You can't eat anything that has caffeine in it.”

“I don't think crackers have caffeine in them,” said Blue, putting her hands on her hips.

“You never know, the book says they put it in food now,” Alaster replied. However, he seemed to have come to the conclusion that the crackers were clean, so he set them aside and reached for a box of uncooked pasta.

Of course, Blue had already started monitoring her caffeine intake. It wasn't easy, because she relied on the stuff nearly as much as Alaster did, and she'd been crankier as a result, but she'd reduced the amount she consumed by a large margin. At present, she was having one cup in the morning and one cup in the evening, and drinking decaf when the urge for a cup of coffee hit her any other time.

“You gonna put all this back when you're done?” she wanted to know, because he'd made a big mess and she didn't feel like cleaning it up before she went to work. She wasn't in a great mood this morning either, and she was feeling a bit nauseous. Thus far, she had escaped morning sickness, but she thought it was catching up with her now.

His response was a “hmm” that she assumed meant “yes,” but didn't look back up from what he was doing. She sighed and decided to leave him to it while she showered and got ready for work.

The book he'd mentioned, the one he'd been reading when she came home yesterday evening, was lying on the coffee table and she glanced at it. Roger had told her about purchasing it for Alaster through text messages. Al's little spell in Walmart had freaked their roommate out pretty bad. He'd been nervous to leave Alaster at home in the apartment alone afterward, but Blue had assured him that Al would be alright.

Still, she was surprised that Alaster was reading the book. He didn't read, usually. He preferred television. She'd always found this odd about him, because he was an exceedingly intelligent person, despite not being a reader, even though he didn't think that he was.

Maybe he didn't read because he'd convinced himself that he wasn't a reader. Well, it didn't much matter anyway. Blue enjoyed reading but that didn't mean that Alaster had to share her passion. They were very different from one another.

Her stomach churned and cramped and she had to clap a hand over her mouth for fear of being sick on the floor. Alaster didn't seem to notice so she made a dash for the bathroom, where she proceeded to vomit into the toilet. There was very little to actually vomit up, so it ended up being mostly dry heaving that produced small amounts of stomach acid and made her stomach cramp further.

This was the start, she reckoned. Better late than never, the saying went, but Blue could have done without morning sickness overall. Why did nature see fit to make pregnancy so uncomfortable?

She wasn't sure how long she remained crouched over the toilet bowl, but it must have been a while. Presently, she heard the bathroom door creak open and she looked up to see Alaster peering in at her.

“Are you sick?” he asked.

“Yes,” she replied, scowling. He had eyes, couldn't he see for himself that she was sick?

“Oh. Is it...” He trailed off and waved his hands around, seeming to indicate his own abdomen. “You know, is it because of the kid?”

Blue rolled her eyes, and then was sick again and had to return her attention to the toilet.

“That sounds terrible. Can I get you, um, can I get you anything?”

“No,” Blue muttered between heaves. “Thanks anyway.”

“Oh. Alright then.” He backed out of the bathroom and closed the door, which didn't surprise Blue at all. He didn't handle sick people very well. Poor thing had a weak stomach. She smirked, imagining how grossed out he probably was by all of this.

The door abruptly opened again and he stepped back inside. She looked at him questioningly and he looked uncomfortable, as though he wasn't sure why he'd come back or what he was supposed to do now that he'd done so.

He looked around, spotted the step stool they both used to reach the highest shelf in the medicine cabinet, and dragged it over beside her before sitting down on it.

“I think I should be here,” he said, much to her surprise. “For solidarity.”

Narrowing her eyes at him, she asked, “is watching me puke gonna make you puke?”

Alaster looked a bit green even as he considered her question. “No, I don't think so. At least, I'm bloody well going to try and avoid it. You're the one who's pregnant, I think I can tolerate listening to you make those awful retching noises. God, you sound awful though, like you're dying. I can hear you from the kitchen, so it's not like I'm going to avoid hearing it if I'm not in the room with you.”

“Serves you right,” she said. “This is all your fault.”

“How do you figure? I was led to believe that you were taking care of the not having children bit.”

She groaned, both because he was right and because the nausea had yet to pass.

“Fuck, yeah, I know,” she moaned, clinging to the toilet and hoping for respite soon. “I just forgot to take the pill here and there. Not, like, days in a row but being inconsistent with it is a bad idea. Work had me distracted. I knew better though. I'm sorry Al, I've gotten us both in a big mess.”

To her surprise, his expression softened and he reached out to catch a loose strand of her hair and smooth it back from her face.

“Don't apologize. I said I wanted to keep it, didn't I?” He looked more determined than she'd ever seen him while sober. Normally, it took a few beers to get him to be this open with her. “Don't ever apologize to me for having my kid. If anything, I should be apologizing to you.”

His fingers brushed her cheek and she sighed, leaning into the touch. It was strange, being comforted by him. It was usually the other way around. Not that she minded taking care of him.

“Nah, Al,” she murmured. “You don't need to apologize to me. Not for nothing. We're good together, ain't we?”

“Yes,” he agreed, stroking her cheek. “Better than good, I think. Frankly, I don't know what I'd do without you.”

Blue had a pretty good idea of what he'd do without her. There was no way she was ever going to test that theory, either. No matter what, she knew that if he wasn't in her life, she'd spend the rest of it wishing that he was. Beyond that, nothing really mattered.

“Feeling better?” he asked when her heaving seemed to have subsided.

“Mm hmm,” she replied. She was worn out now and she wished she didn't have to go to work so she could stay home and cuddle with him. He seemed to be in a cuddly mood and that wasn't common, so it was a shame she couldn't take advantage of it. “I gotta take a shower and go to work.”

“You could call in sick,” he suggested. “I mean, it's not like you're not sick.”

With a sigh, she pushed herself back up on her feet and flushed the toilet. “It's gonna be like this for a while, can't exactly call in every time I get morning sickness. I can cope. It shouldn't bother me much more today.”

Alaster rose from the stool but seemed reluctant to leave the bathroom. His face was pinched with unhappiness.

“If I had a job, you could quit yours,” he said. He avoided meeting her gaze as he said this. “You shouldn't have to keep working when you're sick and I'm perfectly healthy. I know you think I can't handle it but I could find something, I could make it bloody work if I really tried.”

She wondered if she was right to insist that he didn't need a job. It wasn't that she wanted to foster dependency in him, not at all, but they'd been through this before and it never went well. He always started jobs focused and determined, but when a downswing hit him, it always fell apart. The bar tending job had been a real disaster that had nearly sent him spiraling back into alcoholism. She supposed to was evidence of how much he'd matured that he'd managed to dig himself back out of that one with a little help from her.

The fact of the matter was that Alaster was not “perfectly healthy,” because he suffered from mental illness and it was not “all in his head” like most people seemed to believe. It was a very real and physical malady that he lived with every day. Blue watched him struggle with it, she knew that at times it nearly overwhelmed him. Still, Alaster wanted to believe it was something that he could change if he just decided to do so. Maybe that made him feel like he had some control over it.

“Look, it's just a little nausea in the mornings,” she told him, fishing in the medicine cabinet for the bottle of mouthwash kept there. Being sick had left an awful taste in her mouth. “I can handle it, you don't need to worry about it. If you wanna help me, babe, just focus on taking care of yourself. Maybe keep the apartment clean, that would be nice. I can handle the rest of it.”

Alaster's expression darkened and his came up to cross over his chest, a sure sign that he was feeling vulnerable. Instead of saying anything else and risking his good mood, Blue took a swig of mouthwash and started swishing it around in her mouth, trying to clean out the remnants of stomach acid that lingered on her tongue and teeth.

“So I should let you handle it because you think that I can't handle it,” said Alaster, his tone accusatory. “Isn't that right?”

Blue shrugged and pointed to her mouth, indicating that she couldn't speak because of the mouthwash.

“You treat me like a child,” he said, for the millionth time in their relationship. “I'm a grown man, I should be able to provide for my pregnant girlfriend.”

Spitting out the mouthwash, Blue said, “you do provide for me, darling. Every evening, I come home from work and you're here waiting for me. Plus, you're great in bed. I'm happy with the way things are.”

Her boyfriend scoffed, as though he didn't believe her for a minute. “Yes, so happy that you want me to talk to a bloody shrink so I can get my head on straight before there's a baby to take care of.”

“Al, I want you to talk to somebody because I want you to feel better,” Blue tried to explain as she took out her toothbrush and squirted some toothpaste onto it. “Yeah, I think it would be better for you to start doing that before the baby gets here. That's because when the baby is born, I'm gonna need you to take care of her most of the time. I'll still have to work, so you gotta pick up the slack for me. It's an important job, and I'm trusting you with it. You get me?”

He looked small, pressing himself back against the bathroom wall as though he wanted to melt into it and disappear. She hated being responsible for that look. It made her feel like a villain when all she wanted to do was make him better.

She stuck her toothbrush in her mouth and tried not to feel like the bad guy.

“I'm trying,” he said, and he sounded frustrated. “I'm trying to do the right thing, to be better for the kid, but it's hard.”

“Mm hmm,” she said through a mouthful of toothbrush. She hoped the look on her face conveyed that she believed him. Whatever else he was, he wasn't a liar. If he said he was trying then he was, no matter if it seemed like it or not.

“I don't want to see a shrink,” he continued. “I'm not crazy. You know that, right? I'm not crazy, I'm sane and I don't need my head examined.”

Blue spat out toothpaste and said, “You're not crazy. Doesn't mean you shouldn't talk to a professional. You could try it, for me. If you give it a real shot and it doesn't work, I won't bother you about it anymore. I just want you to be okay, Al. That's all. Everyone needs a little help sometimes.”

“I don't see how it would help!” Alaster snapped. She could see his reflection in the bathroom mirror and he was scowling down at the linoleum. “How is talking about it going to help? They'll want to talk about Aster and all of it. I lived it, I don't want to relive it. It's in the past, it's gone, digging it all back up isn't going to help anyone.”

“What if I tried it too?” she asked. “Or I could try it first and then tell you what it's like. Would that make you feel better?”

If the look on his face was anything to go by, it seemed that Alaster did not think this would make him feel better. He'd been stubbornly against seeing a psychiatrist since they'd been together. Even when his sister told him about her positive experiences with it, he'd still refused to try it. Apparently, it wasn't any more likely now just because they were having a baby.

That wasn't entirely fair of her and she knew it. Alaster was very nervous about having someone else in his head. He didn't want to be that vulnerable around someone he didn't even know. She knew this but she couldn't help but think that he'd be better off if he talked to someone about his anxiety, at least.

“There's anxiety medication,” she said, and Alaster's scowl became more pronounced. Before she could say another word, he stormed out of the bathroom.

Well, it wasn't like it was the first time he'd ever stormed out on her and it wouldn't be the last. Blue finished up brushing her teeth and set about taking a shower.

Sometime later, after she'd dressed and braided her hair, she headed back into the kitchen for her first cup of coffee for the day. Her carefully allotted cup of coffee, one of only two she could have in a day. But Alaster was standing near the coffeepot when she walked in and he moved so that he was standing in front of it when she walked towards it.

“You can't have caffeine,” he said, glaring at her like she'd committed a grave crime.

“I can have some coffee,” she insisted. “Al, come on, enough. I gotta go to work, I need coffee.”

“You don't get to lecture me about seeing a shrink when you won't even cut out caffeine for the sake of our child,” Alaster declared, turning up his nose. “The book says there's no benefits at all to drinking caffeine while pregnant and you should cut it out entirely.”

“The benefits of me drinking coffee while pregnant are that I might not strangle the life outta you. Step away from the coffee pot.”

“No.” He crossed his arms over his chest and refused to move.

“How would you feel if I did this to you?” Blue demanded. “Don't you know it's cruel to deny another person their morning coffee?”

When he remained unmoved at this, she sighed and threw up her hands. “Alright, no coffee for me, fine. But I want you to know you're being silly.”

Of course, she wasn't in a good mood at all now. She turned her attention to the fridge, although she still felt a little sick and wasn't keen on eating anything if it meant she was just going to vomit again. She knew she needed to eat anyway, and she also knew that breakfast was one of only two meals Alaster ate on any given day.

When she took out the carton of eggs, Alaster intercepted her on her way to the stove and took it from her.

“I can make breakfast,” he said.

This caused Blue to raise one eyebrow at him skeptically. “You? Cook?”

“Well, it's not going to be a bloody masterpiece,” he grumbled. “But I can cook, you know. A little. I can fry eggs.”

She raised her hands in surrender and backed away. “Alright, be my guest. It's a nice change.”

It was probably the smell of smoke that got Roger out of bed a little while later. Blue had, at that point, thrown a dishtowel over the smoke alarm in the kitchen to keep Alaster's cooking from setting it off. Roger wandered into the kitchen, seeming disoriented. He squinted at the sight of Alaster in front of the stove, frying eggs.

“Have I stumbled into an alternate dimension or is Alaster cooking?” he asked, wrinkling his nose as he inhaled the smoke rising from the skillet. Alaster had thus far burned every egg to a crisp, and broken the yolks besides. There was an unappetizing plate of them set out on the table.

Blue was picking at her own plate, where she'd covered her overdone breakfast in salt and pepper, though the seasoning did not seem to help them.

“I don't know what's gotten into him,” she told Roger. “I'm just going along with it in case he's sleepwalking or something. They say you shouldn't wake them up if that happens, you know?”

Alaster sent her a dirty look as he finished up the last two eggs, which had probably been finished for several minutes now, in all actuality. Putting the skillet on a back eye, he turned off the eye he'd been using and took a seat at the table, shoveling some of the eggs onto his own plate.

“Wow, this looks...” Roger trailed off and forced a smile. “Thanks, Al, really.”

The tall man served himself two of the eggs, then stared at them for a long moment before getting up to fetch the bottle of ketchup out of the fridge.

Alaster's lips curled in disgust as he watched Roger squirt ketchup on his eggs. He started purposefully eating his own eggs, chewing and swallowing in quick succession to get it over with.

It was all too much. Blue started to chuckle under her breath and soon it had grown to outright laughter. She put a hand over her mouth as she laughed, trying and failing to contain it.

“Stop that!” Alaster insisted, his mouth pressed into a thin line. “It's not funny!”

“Oh, Al, sweetie.” She reached a hand out to him, grasping his arm. She couldn't stop giggling. “I'm so sorry, it's just that you're a really bad cook. You don't need to do this for me, you know? It's very sweet of you to try, though, it really is.”

He looked so disappointed, Blue couldn't help but lean over and kiss him. She'd always been a sucker for that moody scowl of his. On anyone else, she would have found it unattractive, but he was different. He had always been different.

“I have to go to work,” she said, rising from the table. She leaned down and gave him another kiss, this one on the cheek. “I'll see you this evening, darling. Be good, alright?”

Looking over at her roommate, she added, “See you later, Rog.”

“Later,” Roger agreed, between mouthfuls of ketchup-covered egg.

Alaster followed her to the door, rather resembling a lost puppy. Blue kissed him again, just for good measure.

“I know you're trying,” she told him, making sure to keep her voice down so Roger wouldn't overhear. “Forget about the psychiatrist thing, alright? Everything is going to be fine and you're doing great.”

“Don't coddle me,” he said. “Breakfast was a disaster.”

She laughed again because she couldn't help herself, and she reached out to ruffle his hair.

“When are you gonna get it through your pretty little head that I love you the way you are?” she asked him.

The ghost of a smile crossed his face and he shrugged. “Love you too,” he mumbled, barely audible.

It was more than good enough for her. With a final, lingering gaze into his too blue eyes, she drew away.

TBC