Several days passed without Alaster losing his shit and Blue should have been grateful for that. Instead, she felt like she was waiting for a bomb to go off, one she knew wasn't a dud, one she knew could take out a whole block of the neighborhood if the explosion wasn't properly contained.
Alaster seemed like he was on autopilot. He was avoiding the bottle of whiskey under the sink and smoking more cigarettes. He listened to a lot of music, and after Roger had started complaining about the volume, he'd started listening to it on his phone with headphones in. When he wasn't listening to music, he was watching television.
Any time Blue mentioned the baby, Alaster changed the subject. He wasn't subtle about it – nothing about Alaster was subtle – and she knew he was trying to avoid talking about it. Blue didn't even try to bring up Amelia, knowing that was a lost cause. Bringing up seeing a mental health professional seemed like a bad idea too so she didn't try to talk to him about that again, or at least not for the time being. It was a subject she knew they would revisit.
Maybe, she thought, she should start seeing someone herself. It wasn't like she couldn't benefit from having a professional to talk to about things. She knew plenty of people who had therapists, and really, the stigma attached to it was a silly one. There was nothing wrong with maintaining one's mind as well as your body. Logically, it made sense to her. Nonetheless, she knew logic had very little to do with the way Alaster thought about things.
“I think something's up with your boyfriend,” said Roger one morning while they were taking their morning coffee. Alaster had taken his mug out to the parking garage to smoke cigarettes, so they were alone. “I complained because he leaves the lid up on the toilet and yesterday he cleaned the entire bathroom.”
In Blue's experience, if Alaster was cleaning, it meant he was trying not to think about something. Maybe he was trying not to think about the whiskey under the sink. Maybe it was the baby he was trying to ignore, or the disastrous conversation with his mother, or maybe it was a combination of all of those things. It was easy to understand why Alaster felt overwhelmed. What surprised her was that he wasn't leaning on alcohol as a crutch.
“I think he's trying to stop drinking,” she said to Roger. “He hasn't had a drop in days.”
“Why?” asked Roger, looking perplexed. Staring at her friend's puzzled expression, Blue realized with a start that she hadn't told him she was pregnant.
“For the baby,” she said, keeping her tone bland.
“Alaster's pregnant?” Roger asked with a snort, still looking confused and probably thinking she was making a terrible joke.
“No, but I am,” she replied. “And that's kind of the same thing.”
Roger made a strange, strangled noise at this and stared at her like she'd just told him that Kirk and Spock were just good friends.
“Run that one by me again,” her roommate said. “Did you just say you're pregnant?”
“Yes,” Blue agreed.
“Dear god, it's not Alaster's, is it?”
Blue narrowed her eyes at him, not amused. “Of course it is, who else would it belong to?”
“I was holding out hope,” Roger replied, rather mournfully. “Are you seriously going to have a kid with the guy? I mean, don't get me wrong, I don't hate him. Well, not any more, at least. But having a kid seems like a really bad idea. I wouldn't trust Alaster to take care of a hamster, let alone a baby.”
The same thought had crossed Blue's mind but it was different when someone else said it. Blue was allowed to complain about Alaster. She was the one who put up with him and took care of him. In her opinion, Roger was way too hard on him. Not that she didn't appreciate her friend looking out for her, but it had been years now and she wanted Roger to respect her decision to be with Alaster.
“He did a good job of cleaning the bathroom,” she pointed out. “He's trying. You're so hard on him, Rog.”
“Alright, I guess that's probably true.” Roger still didn't approve of Alaster, but he'd had a few years to get used to the man. Living with Alaster meant that Roger couldn't help but see that Alaster wasn't really as insensitive and snobby as he pretended to be around most people. Unfortunately, it also meant that Roger could see all the ways in which Alaster was a truly lacking partner for his friend.
“Congratulations,” he added, softening a bit. “You'll be a great mom.”
“Well, we'll see,” Blue replied, because she wasn't so certain that she'd be much better at being a parent than Alaster. She was worried she wouldn't be able to give the child enough time and attention. Her dad had been like that, in and out of her life, really. Right up until he was out of her life permanently. “Thanks, Roger. What are your plans for the day?”
“Thought I'd go grocery shopping,” he replied. “We're starting to run low on a lot of things.”
“Oh, could you take Al with you?” Blue asked hopefully. “He needs to get out of the house, and I'm sure he's almost out of cigarettes.”
Her friend groaned, as though the mere idea of it caused him physical pain, and he raised one hand to rub his temple. “Alright, yes, I'll ask him if he wants to go. He probably won't go with me anyway. I'm surprised he's still bothering to go down to the parking garage to smoke.”
It seemed likely to Blue that Alaster was making a more concerted effort not to smoke in the apartment, or anywhere near her. It was sweet, really, even if trying to control his vices like this made him more difficult to get along with. She was proud of him for taking the initiative. Maybe that conversation with Amelia had something to do with it. Blue's expression darkened when she thought about the woman.
They could have benefited from that money, it was true. And Blue hated that, because she wasn't a material person. She'd always worked hard to make enough money to get by on, which was difficult but doable before. Now, it was less doable. At least she had good health insurance. There were just so many other things that would make this difficult.
For one thing, raising a kid in this apartment wasn't going to work. Oh, it might have worked if Roger wasn't living with them, but without Roger, the apartment was more expensive than renting a small house would be. Roger had a good job now and didn't really need a roommate, but he'd continued with their current situation for Blue's sake and she knew that. She appreciated it, but it couldn't continue.
“I'm going to start applying for jobs again,” she said to Roger, drumming her fingers against the surface of the kitchen table. She hated applying for jobs. Right after she'd completed her degree in library science, she'd gone job hunting and come up empty. She'd done this a time or two more since then, but she was comfortable at the coffee shop and didn't want to leave until she had to. “Al and I are gonna need a bigger place.”
Roger raised his eyebrows at her and then nodded. “You know you don't have to move. A baby would be an adjustment but we could make it work.”
“We'll see what happens,” Blue replied. Moving really depended on if she could find a better job. She checked the time on her phone and swallowed the last of her coffee. “Gotta run or I'll be late for work. And Roger? Thanks for looking after Al today.”
–
“Your girlfriend told me to take you to the grocery store,” Roger said to Alaster, grabbing the shorter man's jacket from its peg by the door and tossing it to him. “Come on, let's get this over with.”
Alaster stared at the jacket for a moment, then at Roger, and considered tossing the jacket back and hitting Roger in the head with it. He was halfway through an episode on Netflix and hadn't planned on doing much else today. He'd been watching Netflix constantly for the last few days. It helped keep his mind off the liquor in the cabinet.
On second thought, he was insanely bored and he wasn't sure he could spend another day alone in the apartment and still manage to ignore that bottle of whiskey. He didn't want to go to the store, since it was the sort of place, full of people, that tended to make his anxiety skyrocket. Then again, it hadn't been that long ago that he'd been able to go to such places with minimal discomfort. Maybe it was a matter of getting used to them again.
Maybe he really did need to see a shrink. Fae was always extolling on the virtues of therapy. Perhaps therapy was how she'd stayed sane all these years. Alaster didn't see how it would help him. Talking to someone about his problems didn't sound appealing, and besides, he knew that a therapist would want to talk about his parents and the shit he'd put himself through before he'd moved in with Fae. He didn't want to talk about it. He'd lived it once, what good would reliving it do him?
“Coming or not?” asked Roger, one hand on his hip. He sounded impatient. Alaster doubted that he and Roger would ever be friends. But they both cared about Blue, and sometimes that by itself united them.
If he went to the store, maybe he could pick up some sort of gift for Blue. She'd paid that outrageous bar tab for him the other night, and he owed her. Of course, whenever he tried to do something nice for her, it usually ended up backfiring. Still, he felt like she was upset with him lately and he didn't know what else to do to fix that.
“Fine, I'm coming,” he grumbled, pulling his jacket on and clambering up from the couch.
“Heard Blue's preggo,” said Roger as he backed his car out of its parking space. Alaster sat in the passenger's seat in silence, realizing that he'd just signed himself up for a mandatory speech from Roger about being a good boyfriend and a responsible parent. “Congrats, little dude, that's... really something.”
Alaster's cheeks were red with embarrassment. “It was an accident.”
“Yeah, it was,” Roger replied sarcastically. Which irked Alaster, because it really was a complete accident and Alaster didn't understand why everyone insisted on congratulating him on it like it was a goal he'd set out to accomplish.
Arguing with Roger was pointless and Alaster wasn't going to sink to the other man's level. He stewed about it in silence, staring out the window at the road.
Roger started talking about responsibility and how Alaster would have to step up to the plate, maybe get a real job, hint hint, and Alaster tuned him out. A few years ago, he'd have been spitting mad, but he was used to Roger now. Still, he knew that Roger was right, when it came down to it. Alaster was the one who was supposed to be supporting Blue, not the other way around. He needed to get his shit together. And he was trying, he wasn't drinking and that was something, even if it made him cranky.
His parents hadn't been alcoholics. In fact, they'd hardly ever touched more than an expensive glass of wine at dinner parties, from what he remembered. In public, they were always very proper people. So proper, in fact, that their flaws were often overlooked by friends and neighbors. Alaster wondered if it was because no one knew what they were like, or if they all just wanted to pretend that they didn't see it.
“Al. Hey, buddy? You still with me?”
Roger's voice drew Alaster out of his thoughts and Alaster regarded him, feeling too old and tired to tell Roger to kiss his ass. What a pompous piece of shit that guy could be. He didn't seem to notice at all when Alaster made an effort to be easier to get along with, and Alaster was certain that he wanted Blue to break up with him. Roger disliked Alaster that much.
“I'm here. I mean, I'm awake.” Alaster noticed that they'd arrived at the Walmart parking lot and parked. How long had he been zoned out? He slowly unbuckled his seat belt. “Are we going in or not?”
He looked away, avoiding eye contact with the other man, but didn't miss the look Roger was giving him. Half pity, half disapproval. Alaster hated seeing it.
“Right,” said Roger. “Let me get my reusable bags.”
Keeping a little distance from the other man, Alaster followed Roger into the store, trying to ignore the fact that it was Walmart and he fucking hated the place. It was the worst of all the grocery stores. Something about it made Alaster feel like a rat stuck in a maze.
He trailed after Roger for a bit while Roger shopped for food, but quickly lost interest and ducked into the magazine aisle to look at music magazines and avoid bumping into strangers. These he perused for a while, noting when he saw names of bands he liked on the covers. He'd shoplifted a lot of magazines like these, not that he was proud of that. Of course, back when he was still in school, he'd just read them at the store. No point stealing them when he couldn't take them home with him. Aster would have had a fit if he found them in Alaster's possessions.
Exhausting the selection of magazines he held any interest in, he moved on down the aisle, past the books and stationary supplies, hands tucked in his pockets, shoulders drawn in. It was silly but he felt naked in this place. There was some terrible pop song playing over the radio and it was all but making his ears bleed, it was so bad. People walking through the store glanced at him and Alaster wondered if he looked as uncomfortable as he felt.
He didn't realize he'd wandered out of the aisle until he looked up and found himself standing in front of clothing racks laden in blue and pink and yellow infant outfits. The children's section. Alaster had never paid it much mind before. Now he couldn't help staring. There was a forced cheerfulness about all the little clothes and pacifiers and diaper boxes. It's not so bad to be a parent, the children's section seemed to say. You'll see, it's just the rest of your life, no big deal.
Reaching out, he snagged a pair of little green booties from a display. He turned them over in his hands, evaluating them. They were kind of cute, if you liked that sort of thing. Was this the sort of thing you were supposed to buy for your kid? Kid had to have clothes, right? Would this be a nice thing to bring back to Blue?
“Hey, Al!” Roger came walking over, pushing a buggy of groceries. “I'm about done here, if you're ready to go.”
Alaster looked up at Roger and then realized he was standing in the children's section holding a pair of booties. He blushed.
“I was just,” he started to say, but then found that he didn't have an explanation.
“What's that you've got?” Roger asked, observing the booties with a grin. “Aw, Al, that's awful sweet of you but I don't think you're gonna need those for a while.” He took the booties from Alaster and showed him the tag. “They're for babies that are 8 months old. Kind of early for this sort of thing anyway.”
Blushing even more, Alaster snatched the booties from him and stuck them back on the display. It hadn't occurred to him to check the size, they'd kind of just looked baby-sized to him and he had no idea how big babies or their feet tended to be on average.
He didn't know anything about babies at all, come to think of it. All he knew was that they were fragile and small and relied on their parents completely. Alaster had never taken care of so much as a goldfish in his entire life. A sick feeling settled in the pit of his stomach. He had no idea what he was doing. Blue was having a baby and Alaster didn't have a fucking clue what he was supposed to do about that.
He was going to fuck this up so bad. As he realized this, he also noticed that his chest was starting to feel tight, like he couldn't take a deep breath. And this realization freaked him out, even as the tight feeling in his chest got worse and his breaths came shorter.
Dropping the booties, he stumbled backwards, away from the children's section and back into the magazine aisle, one hand pressed against his chest. He didn't feel like he was dying or anything, everything just felt wrong, somehow.
“Hey, buddy, it's alright.” Roger had followed him into the magazine aisle and was now trying to get his attention. Alaster ignored him in favor of taking deep breaths, trying to calm his racing heart. “Are you okay, man? You look terrible, do I need to, like, call Blue or something? Come on, Al, calm down. I'm sorry I teased you about the baby shoes, I promise.”
The magazine rack provided Alaster with something secure to lean against. Slowly, he was regaining control of himself, but the spell had shaken him. He didn't know what the fuck it was, just that he'd been in the middle of panicking over impending fatherhood and it had engulfed him.
“Easy does it,” Roger was saying. He put an arm around Alaster's shoulders, which Alaster weakly attempted to shrug off but didn't quite manage. “You're freaking me out. Seriously, do I need to call Blue? Or an ambulance?”
Alaster took a deep breath and shook his head. He forced himself to speak, though the action took a lot more effort than it normally did.
“I'm fine. It was just... It was nothing. I'm fine now.”
“Like hell you are,” the other man replied. “Dude, you looked like you were about to pass out. You still look like you've seen a ghost.”
Shuddering, Alaster moved away from Roger and ran a hand through his hair. “I said I'm fine. It was nothing. The... baby shoes, or whatever. Freaked me out a bit.”
“The baby shoes?” Roger echoed. “Why...?”
Alaster glared at him.
Roger's eyes widened.
“Oh! Because of the baby!” he exclaimed, like the dimwit he was. Oh, how he annoyed Alaster. “Kind of nervous about being a father?”
“Kind of,” Alaster muttered, inching back down the aisle to stare at the baby clothes from a distance.
“That makes sense, you're probably gonna be terrible at it,” Roger reasoned, tapping his chin. “I mean, I sure as fuck wouldn't want you for a father.”
“Yes, that's quite enough.” Alaster could feel his chest tightening again and he didn't want a repeat of what had just happened to him. “Look, just pay for your stuff. I'll be in the car. Can I have the keys?”
To his relief, Roger handed over the keys with only a little reluctance. Pocketing them, he made tracks toward the exit. There was only so much of Walmart that he could stand.
–
A couple hours into her shift, Blue wondered if her her hormones weren't getting the better of her. She'd told a customer with an expired coupon and a bad attitude to take a hike, which wasn't really her style. When she worked the counter, which was only a couple days a week these days, Blue had a reputation as a very personable barista. Customers had left her reviews in the review box, something installed by the higher-ups a few years back, that spoke of her great understanding and compassion, of how she made them feel at home in the small coffee shop.
By no means did Blue consider herself to be a genius when it came to understanding other people. She listened to them, mostly, and maybe she noticed things that other people didn't notice right off, but she'd never considered it to be a special skill. Nonetheless, she'd been told many times that not only was she a good listener, she gave good advice based on what people said to her.
It was funny, because she also had a short temper. When she'd first met Alaster, for instance, she'd hated him and had not been able to resist flipping him the bird a few times. She'd been young then, of course, but later on, as an adult, she'd had the same reaction to him. And not just him. There were so many people out there who thought they were the center of the universe, who didn't give a fuck about people who had less, about people who had nothing, and she could never resist telling those people that they didn't shit gold like they thought.
And yet, somehow, people treated her as a confidant. It had always happened to her, when she looked back on her life, but she supposed she'd first become conscious it in college when Zi, young and terrified, had looked to her for guidance, much to Blue's surprise. She still didn't understand it but now that she was aware of it, she tried to be treat the responsibility with reverence.
All this being said, she was feeling downright hateful. She figured it was mostly pregnancy hormones, but also, she was stressed about her partner. Alaster wasn't falling apart, by any means, but she could tell he was struggling. And she also knew that she was not as gentle with him lately as she could be. His failures felt magnified to her these days. All she could think about was how a child would feel, being raised by a father who could not emotionally connect to them. That had been her reality. When her father had finally ended his life, it had been all the more devastating to her for knowing that she had never really known him as a person. Her father had never let her get to know his real self.
The bell on the door of the coffee shop jingled and a young woman, probably a college freshman, walked in. Blue was leaning against the front counter when the girl inched up to her, eyes glued to the menu. After a few minutes of watching the girl read it, Blue finally spoke.
“Is there anything specific you're looking for?” she asked, keeping her smile friendly.
The girl looked like a deer in the headlights. She stared at Blue for a long moment before she finally said, “Well, I'm trying to go vegan and, well, do you have anything here I could drink?”
Now, given that Blue had grown up on a farm, where her family frequently raised animals for the purpose of eating, people often assumed that Blue was less tolerant of vegans and vegetarians. However, this was not at all true. Blue had long ago come to the understanding, perhaps because of her farm experience, that people had to come to their own conclusions about what was and wasn't acceptable to them. To her, if a person was trying to change their diet in such a significant way, it was just a sign of how thoughtful they were being about their own impact on the world.
She also knew that people were used to being mocked for this sort of thing. Years of customer service had taught her this much.
“We have vegan options,” she told the customer cheerfully, and explained to the girl what all of the different options were. Over the past few years, she'd helped develop some of those options herself. It made her feel good to see the way the girl lit up when she realized she wasn't going to be ridiculed for her dietary restrictions. Soon, Blue was preparing a suitable coffee substitute for the young woman and a satisfied customer left the store with a warm drink in her hands.
When she was gone, Artemis sidled over from the back, looking impressed. “I hate when people ask for the vegan menu. Don't they know how much we have to do already?”
“People do what they can do,” Blue replied. It didn't bother her that Artemis wasn't as understanding. Artemis was young and would learn in time. “She didn't mean to be difficult and it's not that much trouble. I'd suggest we just add it to the menu if the menu wasn't so long already.”
Artemis leaned against the counter. Even though she was quite a bit taller than Blue, she was still a kid in Blue's eyes. Yet, she and Zi had grown so much over the years. Seeing how mature they were made Blue feel too old.
“How's baby doing?” Artemis asked, though she looked a little disgusted by the topic she'd brought up. She wasn't a very maternal person. Blue supposed that not everyone could be. “And Alaster?”
“I'll know more about the baby at my next doctor's appointment but I've been told that there's no reason to be concerned,” Blue replied. She thought about the second question and frowned. “He's trying to come to terms with the idea of being a dad. It'll take him some time.”
To her surprise, Alaster had made friends with Artemis early on, though this was probably because Artemis always knew where to buy good weed. Artemis hadn't changed much over the years, though she only worked at the coffee shop during the summer now.
The younger woman smirked, as though the idea of Alaster being a dad amused her. Well, Blue supposed it was a rather wacky idea. She couldn't fault their friends for thinking it was kind of funny and she supposed that seeing the humor in the situation was probably a good idea.
“I bet he's freaking out,” Artemis remarked.
“Yeah, he ain't taking it well,” Blue said, “though we did both agree we wanted to go through with it. He'll figure it out, I think.”
“He hates kids though,” said Artemis, tapping her chin. “I don't blame him, kids are awful.”
Blue liked kids, but she could still understand why Alaster and Artemis did not. Other people's kids were one thing, though. Having your own kid, that was something else entirely, and she was hoping that Alaster would fall as much in love with the baby as she had already fallen herself, if she gave him time to get used to the idea.
“You ever think about having kids?” Blue asked, out of curiousity.
“God, no,” said Artemis. “I'll leave that business to you and Zi. She told me she wants four, two girls and two boys, exactly two years apart from each other. Watch her end up with all boys.”
“Boys aren't so bad,” said Blue. “Al's convinced it's gonna be a boy.”
A boy would be fine, Blue thought. Really, boy or girl, she knew she would love one just as much as the other. She kind of wanted a girl, but at the same time, having a girl kind of scared her. She'd grown up with brothers, she knew more about little boys than she did about little girls.
“If he wants a boy, it'll come out a girl,” Artemis declared. She was leaning against the wall, inspecting her fingernails.
“Hardly matters,” Blue said with a shrug. “Gender's just a construct anyway. Boy or girl, we're not gonna treat it differently.”
“Fae's already talking about throwing you a baby shower. She acts more excited about this than you do.”
This made sense to Blue. Fae had always seemed like the type to lavish children with affection. Still, Fae and Shadow were childless. Blue wondered if they'd tried to adopt, or looked into having a biological child somehow, and decided they couldn't do it for whatever reason. She'd never asked them. In a way, she supposed that this baby meant more to Fae than just a niece or nephew.
Her skin broke out in a light sweat. Bringing a child into the world was already terrifying to her, but to think that there were other people, aside from herself and Alaster, who were just as invested in it was enough to send a wave of panic crashing over her.
“You okay?” Artemis asked her, tilting her head. “Finally freaking out?”
“Huh. I guess so.” Blue ran a hand through her hair, dislodging strands of it from her braid. She was supposed to wear a hat when she was behind the counter but she hated the hat. “I guess I'm wondering what the hell I think I'm doing. This is pretty crazy.”
This was going to change her whole life. She'd always thought she'd travel one day, at least across the States and up to Canada. It had been a dream. Everyone knew you couldn't really travel with a kid, so she was basically putting that on hold at least until the kid was in college. She'd only be in her late forties by then, so it wasn't like she couldn't travel at that point, but it sure was a long time to wait.
There were things she'd always said she'd do when she had the time. Read Herman Melville, for instance, or mix her own laundry detergent, or do yoga. She'd always known it was a matter of prioritizing her time, also, so even though she'd put it off, she'd expected that she'd always have the option when she really wanted to do it. But a kid meant all of her time would be accounted for. She'd be squeezing in the occasional crime novel while sitting in pediatrician waiting rooms or at dance recitals or sports games.
And what if her kid was sporty? She was not a soccer mom. The thought of hosting team cookouts or picnics, or even just going to those things, with hyper children and junk food and, worst of all, other parents made her cringe.
Worse, what if they were a preppy kid who cared more about their looks than their education? What if they liked dubstep or watched Fox News? What if they grew up to be a capitalist?
“I think,” she began, feeling tired, “that I need to go on break.”
–
Alaster had plugged his phone into the audio chord in Roger's car and was blasting The Clash from the speakers when Roger came back out with the groceries. He didn't make a move to help Roger load the goods into the car, and he also didn't offer to take the cart up to the cart return. Instead, he sulked in his seat and browsed Facebook on his phone.
He didn't even look up when Roger got into the driver's seat. A book was shoved unceremoniously into his line of vision, covering his phone, and Alaster was forced to finally pay attention to the man. Roger turned down the music so that it was almost impossible to hear it.
“I got you a present,” said Roger.
Alaster stared at the book, his eyes narrowing as he read the title.
“Why?” he demanded.
“Well,” said Roger, “you seem like you have questions and this seems like it might have answers.”
It was a baby book. Specifically, it was a baby book for fathers. The sight of it made Alaster want to hurl. It was purple. He couldn't imagine reading it.
Roger waved it at him. “It's a present, take it already. And don't say I never did anything for you.”
With great reluctance, Alaster took the proffered item and raised it up to inspect it. It looked just as stupid, no matter how he looked at it.
“I'm not going to read this,” he said, “so you've wasted your money.”
“Just take it, read it or don't, whatever,” Roger grumbled, turning the key in the ignition.
Under no circumstances was Alaster going to read the book, but he supposed he could humor Roger and take it anyway. It was weird that the guy had bought it for him, though.
“You don't even like me, why would you buy me this?” he asked, dumbfounded.
“You're right, I don't like you,” said Roger. “But I like Blue, and she likes you, so... Happy birthday or whatever.”
Alaster refused to say thank you. He tucked the book next to his leg and turned the music back up.
TBC
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