A/N: Takes place after "Strange Town" and "At What Cost?" A little piece that further explores the friendship between Alaster and Artemis.
Hero Material
Since the incident in Transben City, Alaster had been avoiding Artemis. It wasn't that he wasn't grateful to her for getting them out of that place alive, or that he was unhappy with her at all, really. He just didn't know what to say to her. They weren't friends, particularly. Before a few days ago, they'd hardly spoken two words to one another. In truth, Alaster found he was warming up to her, but he also felt he owed her an apology for entering her dreams as he had done, and he was shit at apologies and hadn't worked up the courage to try saying he was sorry.
It came as a surprise to him, therefor, when she sought out his company one evening during supper. He'd secluded himself, even from the nelfkin, with a bowl of the stew Fae had cooked for them all. Lately, he'd been doing that more often. Since Detraf had invaded his mind, he'd felt vulnerable, open to attack, and so he'd retreated back into his shell a bit, mostly hoping to avoid having any discussions about what had transpired between him and the evil lord. He still wasn't sleeping well, and he'd taken to lying down a fair distance from the others at night, hoping no one would hear if nightmares disturbed his rest, as they so often did. The nelfkin had been on his case about sleeping and he knew that she was right, but he didn't want to revisit the 'attack,' as he'd started referring to it privately, in his dreams. It seemed like every time he closed his eyes, he could see the man's face again, clear as day. Not to mention, he'd been sleeping when it happened, and now he couldn't shake the fear of being trapped in his dreams once more.
The tall huntress walked over with her own bowl of stew and sat down on the ground beside him, cross-legged. She spared him a sidelong glance before looking away, avoiding eye contact, as usual. Alaster watched her with curiosity and a little suspicion. He couldn't anticipate what she might want, and as usual, reading her mind was far more difficult than it would have been if he hadn't been trying. It seemed the more effort he put into controlling his ability, the worse he was at it. How was he supposed to defend himself from creeps like Detraf if he didn't even know how to use his talents?
“I've been meaning to talk to you,” Artemis spoke, training her eyes on the dusky sky above them. She seemed hesitant about starting this discussion, which made Alaster nervous. “About what you saw in my dream, that is.”
“Oh.” Alaster's eyes widened. Of course, she was upset that he'd intruded on her nightmare. He understood that. It would have upset him, as well. In fact, Detraf had done the same to him and he'd been livid – and also terrified. “Right, I suppose I... owe you an apology for that.”
“Not at all,” she said demurely. “I just wondered how much you saw.”
Her tone was soft and agreeable but Alaster still felt the hair on the back of his neck prickle. It was a good thing Artemis was on their side, because she was dangerous. The darker edge she had was what made her interesting to Alaster, but he also sensed that she was more capable of cruelty than he was. Humans were so unpredictable, he thought to himself. In truth, he wanted to be her friend but he was still trying to decide if he trusted her. Though, she'd certainly pulled her weight getting them all out of Detraf's city safely.
“Well, there was the dark, creepy forest,” he replied, thinking back on it. It had been a disturbing dream. “And... the presence in the trees. You're afraid of it.”
He watched her carefully but she didn't turn to look at him, just nodded her head in agreement. “It's difficult to explain.”
“Feel free to not explain it to me,” Alaster said, and part of him was hoping she'd take him up on that offer. He was curious about the dark presence, of course, and how it was connected to Artemis herself. He didn't mention that he'd seen the dream before. That seemed unnecessary and he didn't want to have to explain to the whole group that he was experiencing their dreams. The breach of privacy had embarrassed him before, but now it felt more like a violation. It made him a bit sick to think about it, in fact, and he couldn't bear to tell them all.
Artemis fell silent, but she didn't leave. It was strange, her sitting there in utter silence, and more than a little unsettling. He couldn't tell if she was about to stab him with something or if she was as embarrassed as he was, or both. Or neither. She was difficult to read.
“Of course, if you wanted to talk about it...” Alaster drawled. He wasn't sure how good he'd be at listening to another person's problems, but the nelfkin did it often enough for him these days, and he thought he was starting to pick up the skill. “I'm told it can help if you, ah, tell someone else.”
“It's not the sort of thing I would share with someone else,” said Artemis in a clipped tone. “It's a private matter.”
Despite her words, Alaster could suddenly sense that she wanted to talk. Why she'd picked him to talk to, he didn't know, but maybe she figured the rest of their companions were just too pure to understand. Alaster figured this was true. None of them that he knew of had nightmares like the ones Artemis had.
Nonetheless, he wasn't the hunter's personal therapist now just because they'd saved the day together. He didn't want the job, never mind how bad he knew he'd be at it. She was better off going to the elf, or any of the others, even if they didn't know what it was like to be afraid of themselves like Artemis did. Like Alaster did.
“I'm no expert,” he said, and paused, chewing at his bottom lip as he tried to figure out exactly how to word what he was going to say next. “It's a bit weird, you know, that thing in the woods. I mean, it's your business and Chaelsa knows I don't actually give a damn, but still, what the bloody hell was all that about?”
He supposed Artemis hadn't been the only one pretending to not want to have this conversation. If he was being honest with himself, he'd wanted answers since the first time he'd experienced the dream. If he had to dream about it every few nights, it only seemed fair that he know what it was that inspired such terror in the hunter.
“I don't know.” Artemis rubbed at her temples, her face pinched as though she was in pain. “I've had the same dream for many years now but I've never understood what it means. It feels...”
She broke off, her expression clouded now. There was something about the way she held herself that made Alaster want to inch away from her.
At last, she turned and looked at him. “You should know that I'm not a good person. Maybe it's this thing,” she drew the Void crystal out from under her tunic, “or maybe there's just something about me, but I have dreamed of blood and fire as long as I can remember, and the presence in the woods. The magic that Detraf uses – it feels kin to the thing inside of me, whatever it is. I'm like him.”
Alaster scoffed at the statement, despite the chill it sent down his spine. “Don't be ridiculous.”
Maybe he didn't trust the girl – she was nearly as young as Zi, so she was a girl to him – but she didn't begin to compare to Detraf. Even the thing in her nightmare didn't scare Alaster half as bad. Perhaps he would have thought differently if they'd spoken about this before Detraf had attacked Alaster in his own mind, but now he could not imagine anything more evil and contemptible than that man.
“I only speak the truth,” Artemis replied stubbornly.
Scowling at her, Alaster felt an irrational surge of anger toward her. It was like she wanted to believe the worst about herself. She acted like she was worse than Alaster, but she didn't know half the shit he'd done before being forced to join this quest. If anyone should have been afraid of themselves, it was Alaster. All the times he'd chosen his own comfort and greed over another person's well-being still haunted him. At the time, it had seemed fine. He hadn't felt like a bad person. Some people were more deserving of wealth than others, that was what he had truly believed.
He'd stood by and watched his sister grow up a slave to her own family, and he'd never been willing to risk his own neck to protect her. Still, Fae had protected him. Alaster didn't deserve her loyalty, her love. She was a good person, and he was not.
Artemis thought she knew what evil was, but how could she? Alaster knew what evil was. Lord Detraf was evil.
“Count yourself lucky that you don't know what he's capable of or you'd never compare yourself to him,” Alaster spat. He put more space between them and stared into his bowl of stew, his appetite gone.
“You think I don't know?” Artemis questioned. She sounded offended. “Don't make assumptions about me, little man.”
Her thoughts came to him, sudden and jarring. He killed my mother, you asshole, he ruined everything, he ruined me, don't tell me I don't know what he's capable of!
Alaster shuddered. He was never going to get used to randomly hearing other people's thoughts.
“Shit,” he muttered, feeling his face turning red. It had been a private thought, something he doubted she'd wanted to share. “I, uh, I didn't know about your mother. Sorry, I suppose.”
The hunter frowned in confusion for a moment before she realized he'd read her thoughts. She scowled. “I wish you wouldn't do that.”
“Yeah, well, I can't help it,” Alaster replied. “Besides, it's how I know you're not like him. Maybe you're not as pure as those other goody-goodies, but you're not a bastard like him. He was in my head, as you well know. Trust me when I say that no one knows what a creep he is better than I do.”
Her expression softened.
“It's just frustrating,” she said. “The others... my brother... they expect me to be better than I am. Part of me would be happy to watch the realm fall apart.”
“Join the club,” Alaster grumbled, propping his chin in his hands. “I don't know what the fuck I'm supposed to be doing here either. You're not the only one who's not hero material.”
Alaster was still getting used to the idea of being an active member of this quest instead of their prisoner. A few weeks ago, he'd have been glad to abandon all of them if it meant going back to his old life in Vana Vale. He'd even surprised himself a bit with how vehemently he'd been opposed to joining Detraf. It was made easier, of course, by the fact that he'd always disliked the man, but there had been a time in the not so distant past that he would have at least considered the offer.
“Everyone knows you're a twat, fairy boy,” Artemis replied without bothering to spare his feelings. She didn't talk much, but if she had to, she tended to be blunt. When she wasn't being mysteriously vague, that was.
“Right, whatever.” Alaster resisted the urge to stick his tongue out at her. “What I'm trying to say, wench, is that you should... feel free, I suppose, to, er, talk to me about it. If there's absolutely no one else you're willing to talk to, that is.”
She looked younger than ever when she arched her eyebrows at him and fixed him with an expression that said she thought he was crazy and had no intention of talking to him ever again about anything else. She didn't look evil, not by a long shot, no more than most people her age, Alaster thought. Just a kid, and she had all this responsibility on her shoulders. It made him feel guilty for complaining about his role in all of this. At least he'd gotten his childhood out of the way first, such as it was.
“What did he do to you anyway, when he trapped you in your head?” she asked him. “You seem more or less okay. Did he just talk at you, go on about how great he is and all that?”
Alaster didn't want to talk about what Detraf had done, and couldn't explain it very well anyway. He'd never been good with pain, had cried about scraping his knees when he was a boy, even though his mother scowled when he cried and never comforted him. He didn't cry anymore, that was a weakness he'd grown out of, but pain still terrified him. He supposed that he was rather soft. What Detraf had done to his mind while he was caught had been more painful than anything else he'd experienced to date. It had burned him from the inside out.
He glanced back at the main group, saw the nelfkin watching them, and met her gaze for a moment. Lately, he'd come to think of her as a friend. He'd never really had one of those before, except for his sister. Her presence was more comforting than he would ever admit out loud.
“He wanted me to join him,” Alaster said after a moment. “I said no. He didn't like it. Let's leave it at that, shall we?”
For a moment, he thought Artemis was going to press the matter, but at length, she inclined her head in a short nod.
“Very well,” she agreed. “If you should change your mind, however, I'm curious about the details.”
“Noted,” Alaster replied, but his guard was up. He watched her until she got up and moved away again, back to their circled companions. Artemis took a seat beside her brother, and Kniles put a comforting hand on her shoulder, which she allowed. Alaster felt a tinge of jealousy at the scene.
If he walked over to Fae and sat down beside her, would she offer him the same comfort? Did he even want it? He didn't deserve it, he knew that much. Fae was too good to be associated with the likes of him.
He let his head rest against the tree he sat beneath, feeling its rough bark against his scalp and letting that feeling ground him. He was tired. Maybe he'd just rest his eyes for a bit. Maybe, if he could hold on to what the real world felt like, he could drag himself awake again if Detraf was waiting for him in his dreams. Maybe.
FIN
It came as a surprise to him, therefor, when she sought out his company one evening during supper. He'd secluded himself, even from the nelfkin, with a bowl of the stew Fae had cooked for them all. Lately, he'd been doing that more often. Since Detraf had invaded his mind, he'd felt vulnerable, open to attack, and so he'd retreated back into his shell a bit, mostly hoping to avoid having any discussions about what had transpired between him and the evil lord. He still wasn't sleeping well, and he'd taken to lying down a fair distance from the others at night, hoping no one would hear if nightmares disturbed his rest, as they so often did. The nelfkin had been on his case about sleeping and he knew that she was right, but he didn't want to revisit the 'attack,' as he'd started referring to it privately, in his dreams. It seemed like every time he closed his eyes, he could see the man's face again, clear as day. Not to mention, he'd been sleeping when it happened, and now he couldn't shake the fear of being trapped in his dreams once more.
The tall huntress walked over with her own bowl of stew and sat down on the ground beside him, cross-legged. She spared him a sidelong glance before looking away, avoiding eye contact, as usual. Alaster watched her with curiosity and a little suspicion. He couldn't anticipate what she might want, and as usual, reading her mind was far more difficult than it would have been if he hadn't been trying. It seemed the more effort he put into controlling his ability, the worse he was at it. How was he supposed to defend himself from creeps like Detraf if he didn't even know how to use his talents?
“I've been meaning to talk to you,” Artemis spoke, training her eyes on the dusky sky above them. She seemed hesitant about starting this discussion, which made Alaster nervous. “About what you saw in my dream, that is.”
“Oh.” Alaster's eyes widened. Of course, she was upset that he'd intruded on her nightmare. He understood that. It would have upset him, as well. In fact, Detraf had done the same to him and he'd been livid – and also terrified. “Right, I suppose I... owe you an apology for that.”
“Not at all,” she said demurely. “I just wondered how much you saw.”
Her tone was soft and agreeable but Alaster still felt the hair on the back of his neck prickle. It was a good thing Artemis was on their side, because she was dangerous. The darker edge she had was what made her interesting to Alaster, but he also sensed that she was more capable of cruelty than he was. Humans were so unpredictable, he thought to himself. In truth, he wanted to be her friend but he was still trying to decide if he trusted her. Though, she'd certainly pulled her weight getting them all out of Detraf's city safely.
“Well, there was the dark, creepy forest,” he replied, thinking back on it. It had been a disturbing dream. “And... the presence in the trees. You're afraid of it.”
He watched her carefully but she didn't turn to look at him, just nodded her head in agreement. “It's difficult to explain.”
“Feel free to not explain it to me,” Alaster said, and part of him was hoping she'd take him up on that offer. He was curious about the dark presence, of course, and how it was connected to Artemis herself. He didn't mention that he'd seen the dream before. That seemed unnecessary and he didn't want to have to explain to the whole group that he was experiencing their dreams. The breach of privacy had embarrassed him before, but now it felt more like a violation. It made him a bit sick to think about it, in fact, and he couldn't bear to tell them all.
Artemis fell silent, but she didn't leave. It was strange, her sitting there in utter silence, and more than a little unsettling. He couldn't tell if she was about to stab him with something or if she was as embarrassed as he was, or both. Or neither. She was difficult to read.
“Of course, if you wanted to talk about it...” Alaster drawled. He wasn't sure how good he'd be at listening to another person's problems, but the nelfkin did it often enough for him these days, and he thought he was starting to pick up the skill. “I'm told it can help if you, ah, tell someone else.”
“It's not the sort of thing I would share with someone else,” said Artemis in a clipped tone. “It's a private matter.”
Despite her words, Alaster could suddenly sense that she wanted to talk. Why she'd picked him to talk to, he didn't know, but maybe she figured the rest of their companions were just too pure to understand. Alaster figured this was true. None of them that he knew of had nightmares like the ones Artemis had.
Nonetheless, he wasn't the hunter's personal therapist now just because they'd saved the day together. He didn't want the job, never mind how bad he knew he'd be at it. She was better off going to the elf, or any of the others, even if they didn't know what it was like to be afraid of themselves like Artemis did. Like Alaster did.
“I'm no expert,” he said, and paused, chewing at his bottom lip as he tried to figure out exactly how to word what he was going to say next. “It's a bit weird, you know, that thing in the woods. I mean, it's your business and Chaelsa knows I don't actually give a damn, but still, what the bloody hell was all that about?”
He supposed Artemis hadn't been the only one pretending to not want to have this conversation. If he was being honest with himself, he'd wanted answers since the first time he'd experienced the dream. If he had to dream about it every few nights, it only seemed fair that he know what it was that inspired such terror in the hunter.
“I don't know.” Artemis rubbed at her temples, her face pinched as though she was in pain. “I've had the same dream for many years now but I've never understood what it means. It feels...”
She broke off, her expression clouded now. There was something about the way she held herself that made Alaster want to inch away from her.
At last, she turned and looked at him. “You should know that I'm not a good person. Maybe it's this thing,” she drew the Void crystal out from under her tunic, “or maybe there's just something about me, but I have dreamed of blood and fire as long as I can remember, and the presence in the woods. The magic that Detraf uses – it feels kin to the thing inside of me, whatever it is. I'm like him.”
Alaster scoffed at the statement, despite the chill it sent down his spine. “Don't be ridiculous.”
Maybe he didn't trust the girl – she was nearly as young as Zi, so she was a girl to him – but she didn't begin to compare to Detraf. Even the thing in her nightmare didn't scare Alaster half as bad. Perhaps he would have thought differently if they'd spoken about this before Detraf had attacked Alaster in his own mind, but now he could not imagine anything more evil and contemptible than that man.
“I only speak the truth,” Artemis replied stubbornly.
Scowling at her, Alaster felt an irrational surge of anger toward her. It was like she wanted to believe the worst about herself. She acted like she was worse than Alaster, but she didn't know half the shit he'd done before being forced to join this quest. If anyone should have been afraid of themselves, it was Alaster. All the times he'd chosen his own comfort and greed over another person's well-being still haunted him. At the time, it had seemed fine. He hadn't felt like a bad person. Some people were more deserving of wealth than others, that was what he had truly believed.
He'd stood by and watched his sister grow up a slave to her own family, and he'd never been willing to risk his own neck to protect her. Still, Fae had protected him. Alaster didn't deserve her loyalty, her love. She was a good person, and he was not.
Artemis thought she knew what evil was, but how could she? Alaster knew what evil was. Lord Detraf was evil.
“Count yourself lucky that you don't know what he's capable of or you'd never compare yourself to him,” Alaster spat. He put more space between them and stared into his bowl of stew, his appetite gone.
“You think I don't know?” Artemis questioned. She sounded offended. “Don't make assumptions about me, little man.”
Her thoughts came to him, sudden and jarring. He killed my mother, you asshole, he ruined everything, he ruined me, don't tell me I don't know what he's capable of!
Alaster shuddered. He was never going to get used to randomly hearing other people's thoughts.
“Shit,” he muttered, feeling his face turning red. It had been a private thought, something he doubted she'd wanted to share. “I, uh, I didn't know about your mother. Sorry, I suppose.”
The hunter frowned in confusion for a moment before she realized he'd read her thoughts. She scowled. “I wish you wouldn't do that.”
“Yeah, well, I can't help it,” Alaster replied. “Besides, it's how I know you're not like him. Maybe you're not as pure as those other goody-goodies, but you're not a bastard like him. He was in my head, as you well know. Trust me when I say that no one knows what a creep he is better than I do.”
Her expression softened.
“It's just frustrating,” she said. “The others... my brother... they expect me to be better than I am. Part of me would be happy to watch the realm fall apart.”
“Join the club,” Alaster grumbled, propping his chin in his hands. “I don't know what the fuck I'm supposed to be doing here either. You're not the only one who's not hero material.”
Alaster was still getting used to the idea of being an active member of this quest instead of their prisoner. A few weeks ago, he'd have been glad to abandon all of them if it meant going back to his old life in Vana Vale. He'd even surprised himself a bit with how vehemently he'd been opposed to joining Detraf. It was made easier, of course, by the fact that he'd always disliked the man, but there had been a time in the not so distant past that he would have at least considered the offer.
“Everyone knows you're a twat, fairy boy,” Artemis replied without bothering to spare his feelings. She didn't talk much, but if she had to, she tended to be blunt. When she wasn't being mysteriously vague, that was.
“Right, whatever.” Alaster resisted the urge to stick his tongue out at her. “What I'm trying to say, wench, is that you should... feel free, I suppose, to, er, talk to me about it. If there's absolutely no one else you're willing to talk to, that is.”
She looked younger than ever when she arched her eyebrows at him and fixed him with an expression that said she thought he was crazy and had no intention of talking to him ever again about anything else. She didn't look evil, not by a long shot, no more than most people her age, Alaster thought. Just a kid, and she had all this responsibility on her shoulders. It made him feel guilty for complaining about his role in all of this. At least he'd gotten his childhood out of the way first, such as it was.
“What did he do to you anyway, when he trapped you in your head?” she asked him. “You seem more or less okay. Did he just talk at you, go on about how great he is and all that?”
Alaster didn't want to talk about what Detraf had done, and couldn't explain it very well anyway. He'd never been good with pain, had cried about scraping his knees when he was a boy, even though his mother scowled when he cried and never comforted him. He didn't cry anymore, that was a weakness he'd grown out of, but pain still terrified him. He supposed that he was rather soft. What Detraf had done to his mind while he was caught had been more painful than anything else he'd experienced to date. It had burned him from the inside out.
He glanced back at the main group, saw the nelfkin watching them, and met her gaze for a moment. Lately, he'd come to think of her as a friend. He'd never really had one of those before, except for his sister. Her presence was more comforting than he would ever admit out loud.
“He wanted me to join him,” Alaster said after a moment. “I said no. He didn't like it. Let's leave it at that, shall we?”
For a moment, he thought Artemis was going to press the matter, but at length, she inclined her head in a short nod.
“Very well,” she agreed. “If you should change your mind, however, I'm curious about the details.”
“Noted,” Alaster replied, but his guard was up. He watched her until she got up and moved away again, back to their circled companions. Artemis took a seat beside her brother, and Kniles put a comforting hand on her shoulder, which she allowed. Alaster felt a tinge of jealousy at the scene.
If he walked over to Fae and sat down beside her, would she offer him the same comfort? Did he even want it? He didn't deserve it, he knew that much. Fae was too good to be associated with the likes of him.
He let his head rest against the tree he sat beneath, feeling its rough bark against his scalp and letting that feeling ground him. He was tired. Maybe he'd just rest his eyes for a bit. Maybe, if he could hold on to what the real world felt like, he could drag himself awake again if Detraf was waiting for him in his dreams. Maybe.
FIN
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