Fatherhood, Chapter Four
Alaster's phone rang during breakfast. It was lying on the table near his plate but he didn't reach for it, he just stared at it. By now, he'd figured out that he needed to answer the number that kept calling him, but he still hadn't listened to his voicemail. He had a feeling that whoever it was, he didn't really want to talk to them. It wasn't such a far fetched idea, since he didn't want to talk to most people.
Across the table from him, Blue's gaze was fixed on Alaster's phone.
“You should answer that,” she said.
“Probably a telemarketer,” Alaster replied with a shrug.
“It's not,” said Blue with conviction and Alaster realized that she knew the identity of his mystery caller.
He snatched up his phone and accepted the call. “Hello? Who is this?”
“Mister Gwilimen?” asked a voice on the other end. “Mister Alaster Gwilimen?”
“That's my name.” Alaster's gut twisted with dread. Blue was looking at him solemnly, confirming his suspicions that this was someone he did not want to talk to. He had to wonder how she knew about it at all. “Again, who is this?”
“Randal Darius,” said the man on the phone. “I'm your mother's lawyer.”
Ah, and there it was. Of course Blue knew that Alaster wouldn't want to speak to anyone associated with his mother. That she had been adamant that he answer the phone meant that this was a serious matter. She wouldn't have insisted otherwise.
“My mother and I are estranged,” he said tightly into the phone.
“Yes, I'm aware,” replied Darius. “However, your mother is gravely ill and you are her only next of kin. She has asked me to contact you to discuss her will.”
A chill ran down Alaster's spine. The way the lawyer spoke made it all sound so ominous. He couldn't imagine why Amelia would want the man to talk to him about her will. The last time his father had kicked him out of the house, it had been made clear that Alaster was now just as ostracized as his sister and that neither of them stood to inherit any money from their parents' estate.
He'd been a foolish child once, thinking that his inevitable inheritance would afford him any lifestyle he wanted without requiring that he become a productive member of society. In a way, being cast out was one of the best things that could have happened to him. It made him grow up a great deal, and eventually, it lead him to meeting the headstrong young woman he would share his life with.
“I'd like to speak with you in person if I can,” Darius continued. “Are you free today for an appointment at my office?”
Blue was leaning forward against the table, listening to the conversation. “I'll take you. I can call in to work and take the day off.”
Alaster felt caught. The news that his mother was sick somehow hit him harder than he thought that it would. It wasn't like he'd ever been close to Amelia. No one was close to Amelia. Still, he didn't like death. It was uncomfortable, even when it was someone he had no lost love for.
He didn't want to deal with whatever mess this was going to get him into. After all, Aster had disowned him a long time ago, so there was nothing for him to inherit. They probably wanted him to pull the plug on old Amelia, and after he took care of that nasty business, he'd still be disowned and likely the small family fortune would go to some bullshit charity that bought bibles for doctor's offices or something. There was no point in involving himself in his fucked up family's drama, not when there was nothing to be gained by it.
“She's your mother,” said Blue, catching his gaze and holding it. “I know you don't want to but whatever her lawyer wants to talk to you about, you need to take care of it instead of ignoring it.”
Swallowing the lump in his throat, Alaster quietly asked Darius when he wanted to meet.
“How does 10:30 this morning sound? If you're not free, we could meet later in the day.”
“No, that's fine,” Alaster muttered. He glanced at the time on his phone. It was already 8:45.
“Very good, I'll see you soon then, Mr. Gwilimen.”
For a long moment after he ended the call, Alaster just sat and stared at his phone. It seemed like there was always something to drag him back into the Gwilimen family's bullshit at the worst of times. He'd felt guilty for feeling relieved when Aster kicked it, but he'd been so damn grateful that the bastard couldn't fuck him over anymore. Part of him had thought Amelia might leave him alone, but apparently not.
Blue rose from the table and poured them each a fresh cup of coffee. As she placed Alaster's cup in front of him, she gripped his shoulder in a gentle but firm hold.
“Best get yourself cleaned up, put on something nice. Everything will be fine.”
–
Everything was not fine. Alaster was not surprised by this, but after an hour long conversation with his mother's lawyer, he found himself overwhelmed with how “not fine” the situation really was. Even Blue could find no way to make things seem less terrible as they sat together in her old station wagon in the parking lot of the local hospital.
“Aster cut me out of the will,” said Alaster, trying to wrap his head around the information the lawyer had given him. “Amelia never went against him, she never tried to protect me or Fae from him, not once. So why now? Why does she suddenly want to leave her money to me?”
A sigh escaped Blue and she shook her head, looking as confused as Alaster felt. “She's dying. I guess it's making her think about all of it. Maybe she's starting to see the error of her ways.”
“Right, well, I notice she's not leaving any of it to Fae,” Alaster snorted. Money or no, he'd never felt particularly generous towards his mother. She wasn't the one who'd beaten Fae, she'd never raised a hand to Alaster, but Alaster hated her nonetheless. He hated her for every time she'd turned and looked the other way when Aster was treating them like they were less than human, unworthy of being his children. He hated her for every time she'd opened her mouth and said something needlessly cruel. He hated her for being so very weak.
A large part of him wanted to tell the woman to get bent. She could take her money and shove it up her ass. Where did she get off, thinking she could win back his loyalty like this? He was sure that was what this was. The old bat didn't want to die alone, so she was bribing her son with an inheritance that was just as much Fae's as it was his. But Amelia was still refusing to acknowledge Fae. Perhaps he might have been happier to accept all of this if Fae had been included; if Amelia had acknowledged her part in what happened with Aster.
“She's dying and she still can't admit to herself that she threw away her own daughter,” he growled, his hands folded across his chest. He knew that Blue knew what it meant when he crossed his arms like this, but he couldn't help it. He felt like Amelia was invading his space and his natural reaction was to shut everything out.
“It's amazing what some people can justify,” Blue agreed, of course. She'd been Fae's friend long before she was close with Alaster. She was one of the people who had supported Fae over the years when his sister had been struggling to survive on her own. “On the other hand, it's a lot of money but... it feels wrong to take it. I don't know, Al.”
They needed to go into the hospital. Alaster was supposed to talk to Amelia. That was one of the conditions if he wanted the inheritance. Neither of them wanted to make such an admission. It felt like Amelia was trying to buy off their trauma. Alaster was not the sort of person to beg, and he certainly wasn't going to beg his own mother for an inheritance he'd paid for with blood, sweat, and tears.
“We go in on our own terms,” Blue said, trying to build up some courage. “She wanted you to come alone, well, we tell her that if she wants to talk to one of us, she has to talk to both of us. We make it clear that we're not here looking for handouts. If she tries to say you can't give any of it to Fae, we refuse to accept that. And if we manage to piss her off and she kicks us out, we're not any worse off than before.”
“Do you not remember what she's like?” Alaster snapped. “I know it's been a few years but I'm sure she hasn't changed. No matter what we do, she's going to be as terrible as ever. You have no idea how much I don't want to talk to her.”
It wasn't fair of him to say that and he knew it. Amelia had only spoken to Blue a handful of times over the years, and each time it had been to say something horrible or degrading to her. Blue had thick skin but Alaster knew that Amelia got under it. That was what Amelia did.
With a sad smile, Blue just shrugged her shoulders. “It ain't nothing you ain't heard before, babe. I know that don't make it better but you gotta let it roll off. We deal with this and we put it behind us.”
Easier said than done, Alaster thought, but he reluctantly followed his girlfriend into the hospital. He hated hospitals. They smelled of antiseptic and they were full of sick people. At least they didn't have to go anywhere near the E.R. With Alaster's luck, he was going to walk back out of this place with a virus. He hovered nervously behind Blue while she checked them in as visitors and asked for Amelia's room number.
Blue looked over her shoulder at him and smiled. “You look good today, babe. I like it when you wear that shirt.”
“This old thing?” Alaster blushed and looked away, rubbing the back of his neck with one hand. That morning, she'd told him to put on something nice, so he'd found a long-sleeved black button-up, one of the few dress shirts he owned, to pair with his usual black jeans. He was still wearing his high tops, of course. He'd started wearing converses when he was a teenager, and he hated trying on new shoes, so he'd pretty much only bought converses ever since.
“You're here to see Amelia Gwilimen?” asked the nurse checking them in. She raised her eyebrows, like she couldn't believe someone was here to visit the woman. She glanced at the names Blue had written on the sign-in sheet. “Are you her son, then?”
“Technically,” Alaster muttered. He scuffed the toe of one shoe against the hospital's tiled floor.
The nurse nodded, giving them a wry smile. “Well, she's in room 114. It's on this floor, just take the hallway to your left.”
Outside of the door to the room, her hand resting on the doorknob, Blue asked, “Are you ready for this?”
Words could not describe how not ready Alaster was for this. He hadn't spoken to Amelia since Aster's funeral, and it had been a lot longer than that since either of them had kind words for one another. If Blue hadn't been there, he knew he wouldn't have gotten as far as the parking lot before he chickened out.
He took a deep breath and gave a curt nod. Blue carefully opened the door.
Amelia was sitting up in bed, sipping a cup of what Alaster assumed was tea. Aside from being in a hospital bed, she looked the same as the last time he'd seen her, still covering up her age with heavy foundation and eyebrow pencils, her dark brown hair done up in artificial curls.
She looked up when the door opened, her gaze sliding past Blue to land on Alaster. Her eyes narrowed.
“I didn't think you'd come,” she said primly, setting her teacup on her bedside tray. “Well, come in then, don't just stand in the hallway like a couple of simpletons.”
Alaster swallowed a sarcastic response and stepped into the room. Even with Blue at his side, he immediately felt vulnerable. He tried not to let it show.
“You asked me to come,” he said stiffly. “We spoke to your lawyer this morning.”
The woman looked horrified at that, glancing at Blue in dismay. “My lawyer spoke to you in the presence of... of this woman?”
“Yeah, I got the feeling he was a decent guy,” Blue said, closing the door behind her as she followed Alaster into the room. She stepped up to him and put her hands on his shoulders. “We're given to understand you need to talk to Al about your will, ma'am.”
“I asked that you come alone, Alaster,” Amelia grumbled. “This is a family matter.”
Beside him, Alaster felt Blue tense. He cleared his throat.
“Mother,” he spoke, trying to ignore the way the word tasted like ash on his tongue, “as you know, Blue is family to me. We've been together for several years now.”
With a derisive snort, Amelia replied, “I really thought you'd gotten over the idea of 'slumming it' with, ah, what is she again? A waitress? Whatever happened to that nice girl you dated in high school? I think her name was Rene. She came from a very nice family.”
“I'm the manager at a coffee shop,” said Blue, “not that it matters. At any rate, Mrs. Gwilimen, I did want to tell you that I am sorry to hear about your illness. You and I may not get along, but you are Alaster's mother, so that makes you family.”
“Don't flatter yourself, dear.” Amelia looked unimpressed by Blue's attempt at civility. She turned her gaze back to Alaster. “The last time I saw you, you looked half dead. Have you kicked those bad habits of yours?”
The dull blue color of the wall was far more interesting than Amelia's face. Alaster couldn't look her in the eyes and he hated himself for just standing there and letting her talk to Blue like that. But it was true that he was a bit of a coward, especially when it came to his parents. Amelia was the queen of passive-aggression and she always knew just what to say to make him feel small and worthless.
“What business is that of yours?” he managed to choke out. She had no business talking down to him about his addictions. If she'd ever cared, she'd had plenty of opportunities to be a real mother to him when he was younger and actually needed her. “I didn't think you cared much about my health.”
A haughty laugh escaped the woman and she waved a hand in the air. “Well, I'm hardly going to leave my estate to a hopeless drug addict who's going to squander it on heroin or something. Be reasonable.”
It pissed him off that she couldn't even be bothered to remember what it was, exactly, he'd had an addiction to. Perhaps he shouldn't have been surprised that she assumed it was hard drugs, but it wasn't like the whole city didn't know he was a recovering alcoholic.
He felt Blue's hands squeeze his shoulders and he let the feeling ground him. It didn't matter if Amelia knew anything about him, or if she approved of who he had a relationship with, or if she even gave a damn about him. This was just business. Granted, it was business that made him feel like a cheap whore, but it was a job he needed to endure for the moment.
“I'm not a drug addict,” he told her firmly. “Anything else you'd like to know? About your daughter, perhaps?”
“What daughter?” Amelia looked him in the eyes and her expression was cold. “I don't have a daughter.”
Alaster's hands curled into fists at his sides. He regulated his breathing, trying to remain calm. “After all this time, that's still how you're going to be? She would have come to see you if you'd asked her, you know. You wouldn't have even had to tempt her with an inheritance.”
His mother remained impassive. In the years that had passed since Fae had left home, Amelia had steadfastly refused to even acknowledge her existence. She knew damn well that Fae had every reason to leave the family but she insisted on treating her like she had betrayed the Gwilimen name. Then again, maybe it had been longer than that since she'd paid any attention to her daughter. She'd always looked the other way when Aster had abused Fae, as she'd later done when Aster had redirected the abuse at Alaster.
“Why?” he asked, frustrated. “Why would you leave your money to me? I assumed you planned on giving it all to some religious organization to help pray the gay away, or whatever it is you're crusading about these days.”
The glare that Amelia leveled on him felt like it burned right through him.
“As disappointed as I am in how you've turned out, you are your father's only son.” She turned her nose up. “Tradition is tradition, and my husband's money belongs in the hands of no one but a Gwilimen. You'll have to do.”
“What if I don't want it?” Alaster asked. He wasn't a child anymore, he wasn't going to let her intimidate him. “I've done just fine without it so far.”
“Please, you live in an apartment,” said Amelia, as though living in an apartment was somehow evidence of how poorly he'd done in life.
“Classy,” Alaster sneered, crossing his arms. “Yes, I live in an apartment and I sleep with a waitress.”
“Manager,” Blue corrected softly.
“A manager!” Alaster agreed. “In fact, we're doing great, not that you asked. Life is great. Life without you has been bloody brilliant.”
It wasn't far from the truth. His like wasn't “bloody brilliant,” no matter how you looked at it, and his parents had fucked him up for life, but without their toxic presence, he could breathe easier. Without the specter of them hanging over his shoulder, he could keep going, keep coping, keep surviving.
That was what he and his sister were; they were survivors. Fae had evolved, allowing her experiences to transform her into something more beautiful. Alaster thought of himself more like a cockroach, happy to subsist in the darkness when necessary, never dying no matter how many times he was stomped on. Amelia and Aster had made them into this, and Alaster would never forgive either of them, no matter how much money Amelia gave him.
“If you're going to raise your voice, you may leave,” said Amelia with a disapproving scowl. She looked so haughty, even in a hospital bed, like she still knew the rest of the world was beneath her. As long as he'd been alive, however, Alaster had never seen the woman look happy. “If you're quite done raving like a lunatic, we should discuss terms.”
Alaster felt defeated. He walked over to the uncomfortable hospital chair, mostly metal and very little cushion, and sat down, hanging his head.
“Are you really dying?” he asked Amelia.
“Yes, not to worry, I'll be long gone before the year's out,” Amelia replied, and she pursed her lips. “Your father wanted the money left to an heir, if you had any children. That hasn't happened, of course, so now we must do the best we can.”
For a moment, Alaster considered telling her about the baby. This was not entirely because he felt the woman should probably know she was going to have a grandchild, however. He could imagine her reaction to learning that Blue was pregnant. In his mind's eye, he saw her turn pale, her eyes growing wide in horror at the knowledge that her grandchild would share blood with a country bumpkin like Blue.
He caught himself. The less Amelia knew about his personal life, the better. If she thought there was no heir, maybe that would keep things from getting too complicated.
“I sold your father's portion of his company a few years back. It's all owned by his old business partner now. I never cared for that man, but thanks to him, I've saved a tidy sum of money and it should be more than enough to keep you comfortable. You don't deserve it, of course, with the way you treated him. As if the disrespect you gave him when he was alive wasn't enough, you made such a scene at his funeral.”
A lump formed in Alaster's throat when he thought back to his father's funeral. He certainly hadn't handled that event very well. Mostly, he regretted that Fae and Blue had been put in such an awkward position. He'd been piss drunk, of course, because he couldn't have walked through the doors of the funeral home without being intoxicated.
But if he'd disrespected Aster, it was only because the man was unworthy of respect. He'd spent too many years respecting his father and believing that one day, his father would respect him in return. Eventually, he'd come to understand that he was asking for the moon, because his father was not capable of giving him the validation he so needed. Even if Aster could have given it when he was alive, he certainly couldn't give it from the grave.
“I gave him the respect I owed him,” he said, because he couldn't bear to pretend otherwise, not for her and not for any amount of money. Maybe he should have kept his mouth shut. Maybe things after that point would have gone better if he had. Unfortunately, he'd never known when to shut up.
The woman's nostrils flared, almost comically, like a bull about to charge. She fixed Alaster with what he suspected was her most venomous glare, and it made him squirm, but he met it all the same. It had been a long time since he'd felt any fear of her, and she'd never been the one who really scared him in the first place.
“He would not be surprised to see you now,” Amelia hissed. She managed to look truly offended by Alaster's mere presence, but it wasn't the first time he'd seen her look like that, even if it might actually be the last. “You were such a disappointment to us.”
He hated her as much as he ever had in that moment. If she could have just left him in peace, maybe that hatred would have cooled over time, after she'd died and he never had to worry about talking to her again. Of course, she couldn't let sleeping dogs lie. She'd had to bring it all back up.
“The feeling's mutual,” he said, drawing himself up to his full, albeit limited, height and taking a step back from her. He wondered if it made him look like his father, cold and drawing away, and the thought chilled him. His arms rose to cross over his chest once more.
“Why should I give Aster's money to a son who never appreciated him?”
Amelia's voice clearly conveyed her disgust.
“Fuck if I know,” Alaster growled, already turning on his heel. “I don't want your damn money anyway. Come on, Blue, we're leaving.”
His mother didn't try to stop Alaster as he stormed out of the hospital room, and Blue, who never approved of him throwing a tantrum like this in public, followed after him without a word.
Running on adrenaline, he sort of power-walked back through the hospital to the car, though Blue kept up with him with ease. She was in great shape from all the hiking she did with Fae and Shadow during her free time. Was she still going to hike now that she was pregnant? Was there any reason a pregnant person shouldn't go on hikes?
He dropped into the passenger's side seat with a scowl, because now he was thinking about yet another source of great stress for him. He wasn't ready to be a father. Oh, maybe part of him really wanted to be a father, but that wasn't the same as being ready for it. He wasn't sure that he would ever be ready for this. It was probably a mistake to tell Blue he wanted her to go through with the pregnancy.
And yet, he couldn't make himself tell her this. She seemed stressed too, which he felt guilty for, like she was taking care of double the responsibility now while he still couldn't even take care of himself. If she felt that way, he wouldn't blame her.
Blue settled in the driver's seat and started the car, just to turn on the air conditioner. She left it in park and waited on Alaster to speak.
“I don't want to talk about it,” he said, knowing what she wanted. “For fuck's sake, woman, it just happened.”
“You say that like you'd talk about it if it happened twenty years ago,” she replied, looking over at him with raised eyebrows.
“You said we didn't have to take the money. You said we wouldn't be any worse off.”
His girlfriend sighed and put the car in reverse to back out of the parking lot. Alaster got the distinct impression that he'd failed yet another test of his maturity. Maybe she was figuring out what a bad idea this whole baby thing was all on her own.
They rode in tense silence for a while, during which Alaster occupied himself with rolling the window up and down. It was childish but he was feeling childish. He wanted her to wise up and realize what a mistake it was to tie herself to him for the rest of her life. If they had a child together, neither would be able to ever completely walk away if that was what they needed.
Then they were back at the apartment, the scene for so much drama between them so many times before, and Alaster couldn't help but feel too tired to fight. He followed her through the building and to the elevator with sagging shoulders, hoping she'd have pity on him instead and make him a fresh pot of coffee.
She didn't take pity on him but they also didn't fight. Instead, she was quiet. She called work, and he heard her tell someone on the phone, probably Zi, that she could come in for a while. Meanwhile, he curled up on the couch, gripping a cushion to his chest, and pretended he wasn't listening to her phone conversation.
“I'm going in for a couple of hours,” she told him when she got off the phone. She hovered at the door. “I'm not mad at you, okay? I just need some time to think about it. The money... The money really would have helped. But you're right, I said we'd be okay, and we will be. I'll be home this evening. You'll be okay on your own, won't you?”
“Sure,” he told her, though his throat felt tight and it was hard to get the words out. “Sure. See you after while.”
“Bye, darlin,” she murmured back, but he didn't dare look at her to see her expression, just curled up tighter around the cushion and stared at the floor. After a few moments, he heard the door open and close and he listened to her footsteps moving down the hall.
–
As she drove back to the coffee shop, Blue couldn't help but worry that she'd made a mistake in leaving Alaster alone today. She'd wanted to step away from him, needed to not be around him for a little while, but he was in one of those moods. There was a good chance she'd come home to find him wasted, or worse, she'd have to go out looking for him. She had a feeling he was going to backslide soon, worse than he already had.
She hadn't meant to get pregnant, though that went without saying. She'd just been stupid and complacent. She hadn't kept up with her birth control like she should have, had always told herself it didn't matter that much and didn't worry about it, even though she knew better. And the worst part of it was, she wasn't sorry. She'd gotten both of them into this mess that they weren't ready for but she was just too damn grateful to have a part of Alaster for herself to be sorry about it.
In her mind's eye, she could see the child. Sometimes it was a little girl, sometimes it was a boy child, but boy or girl, the child always had his blue eyes. How could she be sorry for that? He deserved to have a child, even if he didn't think so. She hadn't intended for this to happen but it was a good thing. Maybe if Alaster had a baby to think about, he'd be less self-destructive. Maybe he'd feel like he had something worth living a happy life for.
No matter how much she loved him, she couldn't help being frustrated with him. He'd let Amelia get to him, had encouraged it even. He'd been looking for an excuse to tell his mother to go fuck herself, and Blue didn't blame him but even just a little money would have helped. It was going to be hard to provide for all three of them on her salary, if not impossible. Soon, she knew she'd need to start looking for a better job, and that kind of sucked. She liked working at the coffee shop. It had been years now, her coworkers were her friends. She didn't want that to change.
But a lot of things were going to change, whether she liked it or not. There would be a lot on her shoulders, and Al would try to help, he really would, but there was only so much he was capable of. Amelia coming back into their life could have been tolerable if it had meant financial stability, but all it had resulted in was making Alaster unhappy – well, more so than he had already been.
She turned on the radio. A song she liked was playing on a fuzzy station, so she left it on, despite the annoying static. Under her breath, she hummed the melody and drummed her fingers against the steering wheel. A large part of her wanted to turn around, to go back and make sure he didn't drink himself under the table in her absence. But another part of her couldn't face him right now when so much was weighing on her mind.
Besides, she told herself, she couldn't be there every single time. She was only human and she had to live her own life, not just exist to take care of him. The baby was going to take even more of her attention away from him, and they both needed to learn to cope with that.
She needed to tell Fae about today. It didn't seem quite right, reporting on Alaster to his sister like this, but Blue couldn't keep up with him all on her own. Fae understood as well as Blue, if not better, what it was like to care about Alaster.
So she took out her cellphone and told it to call Fae, putting it on speakerphone so she could speak while driving.
“Hi, Blue! What's up?” Fae always sounded happy to hear from Blue, even though roughly half of the time, Blue didn't have good news to relay. Though she didn't know how the woman could retain such a good humor, Blue was grateful for it.
“Al and I spoke to Amelia's lawyer today,” Blue said, rather than beat around the bush. “And then we went to speak with Amelia at the hospital.”
“Oh? How did that go?” Fae knew better than to expect that it had gone well, but her tone suggested nothing of the sort.
“To no one's surprise, it did not go well.” Blue sighed as she thought back on the morning's events. “She said she wanted to leave her money to him, then she did what she always does and started berating him for being a disappointing son and, you know, he told her he didn't want her damn money.”
Her sigh was echoed on Fae's end. “Yes, I suppose I did expect that.”
“I left him at home alone,” Blue told her, feeling guilty even as she spoke. “I probably should have stayed home with him but I guess I just didn't want to sit there and watch him dig himself into a giant pit of depression. Does that make me a bad person? A bad girlfriend?”
“Of course not!” Fae consoled her. “You need to take care of yourself too, especially now.”
Blue wanted a stiff drink, which she couldn't have. “Am I doing the right thing, Fae? Is he ready for fatherhood?”
This question was met with a long moment of silence. Even Fae, who tried to see the good in everything, couldn't say with certainty that Alaster could handle being a parent.
“Maybe he'll have a bit of a learning curve but he'll figure it out,” her friend said, sounding hopeful but skeptical at the same time. “I'll help, I promise. Shadow and I have lots of free time, and we'd love to spend it with a niece or nephew. We will make this work together.”
A smile crossed Blue's face. It was good to know she had support. Her mother would help out too, and probably her brothers. When she thought about it, there were plenty of people she could rely on to help her with this. She'd just been so focused on Alaster.
“Yeah, but what if this makes him worse somehow?” she asked, because she couldn't relax when there was a chance Alaster was going to fall apart because of this. “What if it's too much for him to take?”
“Look at it this way,” said Fae. “He's already survived a lot. He's strong, in his own way. And so are you. Everything is going to work out the way it's supposed to.”
Well, she had a point, Blue supposed. She had gotten used to treating Alaster like glass, though their relationship hadn't started out that way, and she thought he probably preferred being treated like an adult. It had just happened over time, as she'd learned the things that might send him into a downward spiral, the interactions he could and couldn't handle. She wanted to protect him but in trying to do so, she knew she'd started to lose sight of the fact that he was his own person and needed to be able to protect himself.
She couldn't protect him forever. What if something happened to her and Al was on his own? She wanted to feel confident that he wouldn't do himself in without her there to run interference.
“Fae,” she said, “if something ever happened to me, you'd take care of him, right?”
If Alaster ever found out she'd asked that of Fae, he'd probably be beyond pissed. He didn't like to ask Fae for anything, and Blue understood that. But she needed to know there would be someone at least trying to keep Alaster going if she was gone.
“Well, I don't see you dying anytime soon, but if it will ease your worries to hear me say it out loud, of course I will take care of him. But Blue, everything really will be alright. Call me later if you need any help, but hopefully, he'll drown his sorrows in a Netflix show instead of a bottle this time.”
“Alright, talk to you later,” Blue replied.
When she ended the call, she felt marginally better. She'd call and check on Al in about an hour, just to make sure he was alright, and she'd bring them home something from the store for dinner. Stability, she told herself, was what they both needed. She'd calm down at the coffee shop for a while, get herself into a good head space, and then go home and be his shoulder to cry on if he needed it.
TBC
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